I've suffered from Depression my whole life. I've always been uber derp.
But before I was never happy. I didn't know what happiness was. Ever.
But now I do. I know what happiness is. I know what it feels like to be alone.
And the pain is only that much more powerful.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Poem
Here's a poem I wrote a while back about Tori...
Your smile was what began it all.
That smile of yours
It used to be able to stop
All of existence and leave me
In a constant euphoria.
That smile of yours used
to be able to turn my world
upside down, no matter the
circumstance.
That smile of yours worked
its way into my heart and left
an imprint of itself there, forever.
It started all of it.
The smile grew brighter at first.
We made it better for a while,
and it was enough to send me headfirst
into a world where I knew happiness.
But now that same smile destroys me.
It leaves me in shambles and crawling
back to a past that will never return.
And I will never be the same.
The smile that would so brighten my day
Is now a constant reminder of what was,
and what will never be. A constant reminder
that I will never be enough.
Now you smile less than you used to,
or at least you do so around me.
And what does arise, is nothing but a
hollow shell of what was there.
But then I see you around others,
your smile as great as it was before
and even at times I catch that same smile
You used to give me.
Only now it's not mines.
Now it's proof that I will forever lose.
Proof that I was nothing to you.
Proof that you will never be happy around me again.
Now you smile for him,
Now you smile for everyone else,
Even in front of me you smile for him,
and it sends me back into despair every time.
So I must bid you adieu, my love.
Where love once bloomed,
now poison scatters the ground,
killing all it touches.
For both of our sakes, we part,
but as you forget me,
I will never forget you.
You will never leave my heart.
I turn my back and walk away as you do the same.
But I look back every few steps.
Making sure you're ok,
praying you're looking back to.
But you're not.
And it's over.
Never again will
I know that smile.
The smile that started and ended it all.
I love you.
Your smile was what began it all.
That smile of yours
It used to be able to stop
All of existence and leave me
In a constant euphoria.
That smile of yours used
to be able to turn my world
upside down, no matter the
circumstance.
That smile of yours worked
its way into my heart and left
an imprint of itself there, forever.
It started all of it.
The smile grew brighter at first.
We made it better for a while,
and it was enough to send me headfirst
into a world where I knew happiness.
But now that same smile destroys me.
It leaves me in shambles and crawling
back to a past that will never return.
And I will never be the same.
The smile that would so brighten my day
Is now a constant reminder of what was,
and what will never be. A constant reminder
that I will never be enough.
Now you smile less than you used to,
or at least you do so around me.
And what does arise, is nothing but a
hollow shell of what was there.
But then I see you around others,
your smile as great as it was before
and even at times I catch that same smile
You used to give me.
Only now it's not mines.
Now it's proof that I will forever lose.
Proof that I was nothing to you.
Proof that you will never be happy around me again.
Now you smile for him,
Now you smile for everyone else,
Even in front of me you smile for him,
and it sends me back into despair every time.
So I must bid you adieu, my love.
Where love once bloomed,
now poison scatters the ground,
killing all it touches.
For both of our sakes, we part,
but as you forget me,
I will never forget you.
You will never leave my heart.
I turn my back and walk away as you do the same.
But I look back every few steps.
Making sure you're ok,
praying you're looking back to.
But you're not.
And it's over.
Never again will
I know that smile.
The smile that started and ended it all.
I love you.
Tori
Tori. I can't decide whether I'd be better off fully removing you from my life or not. I love you. You don't. I want you in my life so much. I miss you more than even I want to admit. It hurts so much. I can't handle the pain. You have no idea how much it hurts. Please. Someone. SOMEONE.
Tori. I need a friend. I need your friendship. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of wanting you. I don't know which pain is worse. The pain of not having you in my life at all, or having you in my life and not having you as mine. I don't know but right now the pain is telling me anything is better than this. I cry over you all the time and it only gets worse with time. I miss you more and more.
Why do you hate me so much? I... Don't deserve this Tori. I really don't. What did I do for you to hate me this much? Ok fine. I was an idiot. Oh god I was an idiot. I'm sorry! Please. Please. Just... It hurts. SO much. Oh god it hurts but still. Please. Just.
Geez. I'm crying again. I wish I could stop the tears.
It feels like I've lost a part of me. I feel like some strong part of me has outright died. And I know I'll never get over it. I wish things weren't this painful. I wish circumstances didn't make you so utterly painful to think about. Please Tori. Please...
Geez how fucking pathetic am I? Crying and yelling into the middle of the night over the same damn thing that I have been for weeks now with no end in sight. Why can't I move on?! Why do I have to care about you this much?! Why did you dig yourself so deep into my being so quick? Why did you crit. me?
I'm much too weak. Much too fragile. I couldn't handle it. It sucks.
But never again. I can't even begin to think about caring for anyone else. So I guess that means I'm strong now? I'm never going to cry over anyone else ever again.. Thank you I guess...
It's retarded but you really are probably the only thing I have closest to a friend anymore. Sure there are others who care, but no one I feel like I can talk to. I've alienated everyone, even you. Right now the only thing that remains is a memory of you. A ghost. A ghost is all I have.
It feels like I'm trying to move forwards with gravity at 1000000% It's just not working out and it only hurts like hell.
But i have no other option do I...
fuck...
someone help me please.
Tori. I need a friend. I need your friendship. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of wanting you. I don't know which pain is worse. The pain of not having you in my life at all, or having you in my life and not having you as mine. I don't know but right now the pain is telling me anything is better than this. I cry over you all the time and it only gets worse with time. I miss you more and more.
Why do you hate me so much? I... Don't deserve this Tori. I really don't. What did I do for you to hate me this much? Ok fine. I was an idiot. Oh god I was an idiot. I'm sorry! Please. Please. Just... It hurts. SO much. Oh god it hurts but still. Please. Just.
Geez. I'm crying again. I wish I could stop the tears.
It feels like I've lost a part of me. I feel like some strong part of me has outright died. And I know I'll never get over it. I wish things weren't this painful. I wish circumstances didn't make you so utterly painful to think about. Please Tori. Please...
Geez how fucking pathetic am I? Crying and yelling into the middle of the night over the same damn thing that I have been for weeks now with no end in sight. Why can't I move on?! Why do I have to care about you this much?! Why did you dig yourself so deep into my being so quick? Why did you crit. me?
I'm much too weak. Much too fragile. I couldn't handle it. It sucks.
But never again. I can't even begin to think about caring for anyone else. So I guess that means I'm strong now? I'm never going to cry over anyone else ever again.. Thank you I guess...
It's retarded but you really are probably the only thing I have closest to a friend anymore. Sure there are others who care, but no one I feel like I can talk to. I've alienated everyone, even you. Right now the only thing that remains is a memory of you. A ghost. A ghost is all I have.
It feels like I'm trying to move forwards with gravity at 1000000% It's just not working out and it only hurts like hell.
But i have no other option do I...
fuck...
someone help me please.
Stop
Please. Just stop.
Can the pain please just stop. Please. I can't.
Can the memories be erased? Remembering is so painful
Can my mind be stopped? Thinking hurts.
Can my emotions have never existed? They weren't worth it.
The tears need to stop. The pain needs to stop. I need to forget her...
Can the pain please just stop. Please. I can't.
Can the memories be erased? Remembering is so painful
Can my mind be stopped? Thinking hurts.
Can my emotions have never existed? They weren't worth it.
The tears need to stop. The pain needs to stop. I need to forget her...
Monday, May 23, 2011
FUCK
FUCK MY LIFE
My dreams just turned against me in the worst possible way. I just had a nightmare that resulted in me waking up covered in ten pounds of sweat, bawling my eyes out. What was it? Tori decided to cut me out of her life for good and made it literally impossible for me to talk to her. That's all. That broke me down that badly.
It hurts the most because she's my last and frankly only hope at a true friend. And yet I know it's never going to happen.
And that's all I need really. A really good friend. That's all I need adn I can deal with this depression but I have nothing. Nothing at all.
I can't do this for much longer. every passing day this depression gets worse and my mind only conspires to make it worse. Why? Just... Why
I'm tired and I can't do this. My body is just not going to let me get through this.
I. Need. Help. Someone. PLEASE.
I'm too alone. I can't do this.
My dreams just turned against me in the worst possible way. I just had a nightmare that resulted in me waking up covered in ten pounds of sweat, bawling my eyes out. What was it? Tori decided to cut me out of her life for good and made it literally impossible for me to talk to her. That's all. That broke me down that badly.
It hurts the most because she's my last and frankly only hope at a true friend. And yet I know it's never going to happen.
And that's all I need really. A really good friend. That's all I need adn I can deal with this depression but I have nothing. Nothing at all.
I can't do this for much longer. every passing day this depression gets worse and my mind only conspires to make it worse. Why? Just... Why
I'm tired and I can't do this. My body is just not going to let me get through this.
I. Need. Help. Someone. PLEASE.
I'm too alone. I can't do this.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Lost
This whole being strong for myself thing? Ain't working. It ain't working when nobody cares about me. When all I do is fuck things up. When no matter what everything fails.
I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm confused.
And tori... tori is only a reminder that my life sucks and that im worthless... i can't
nobody can deal iwth life alone.... i cant.. im...
somebody please save me. somebody please help me. please
I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm confused.
And tori... tori is only a reminder that my life sucks and that im worthless... i can't
nobody can deal iwth life alone.... i cant.. im...
somebody please save me. somebody please help me. please
Rebooting
After a month and a half I'm rebooting this. I'll change the layout soon and see if I can't archive all the old posts.
I'm miserable. I'm lost. I'm afraid. I'm confused. And more than anything, I'm perfectly alone. Lonely. I have nobody left, nobody. No true friends. No one can listen to me. Not even me. I don't deserve help, I deserve death.
I'm so confused, I'm so lost, I'm so empty, I'm so broken, and I don't know why...
And it hurts. It hurts so much. Please. I just want the pain to stop. Please. Please, someone, help me stop the pain. I can't do this much longer... It scares me that I cry as much as I do, it scares me that I can't hold it back. It all hurts and scares and just...
tasukete
I'm miserable. I'm lost. I'm afraid. I'm confused. And more than anything, I'm perfectly alone. Lonely. I have nobody left, nobody. No true friends. No one can listen to me. Not even me. I don't deserve help, I deserve death.
I'm so confused, I'm so lost, I'm so empty, I'm so broken, and I don't know why...
And it hurts. It hurts so much. Please. I just want the pain to stop. Please. Please, someone, help me stop the pain. I can't do this much longer... It scares me that I cry as much as I do, it scares me that I can't hold it back. It all hurts and scares and just...
tasukete
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