[M] Bottle it up - Sara Bareilles

Absolutely (Story of a Girl) - Nine Days

She's so High - Tal Bachman

Stand Up - Fireflight

Shotgun Serenade - The Juliana Theory

Kiss me, Kill me - Mest

Gotta be somebody - Nickelback

Reason - Hoobastank

Riot - Three Days Grace

In the End - Linkin Park

This is Halloween - Marilyn Manson [AMV]

This one was added not because it means anything, but simply because it's an awesome song, an awesome cover, and a fuckwin amv.

Hoping the music does the talking for me.

ばかたいちょ

[L] Welcome to the Family - Avenged Sevenfold

Dear Friends,

I've noticed though that I tend to be quite... what's the word I'm looking for, unfair? To people I know online who are just as, if not more important to me than people like Jess, and yet I give them no credit. I don't do it to belittle them, I don't even do it consciously, I just do it. I guess it's because the internet has been fixture in my life, and some of these people have become so essential to my being that I take them for granted, and yet these physical interactions are so new and alien to me that it's not quite unlike a child in a toystore. 

Scott, Santiago, Xenia, Wendy, and Will, and to some extent even Megan, Nick, Jason and Lian have all become so... so strongly imbued in my sense of self that it's hard for me not to consider them close friends, and yet, I take it for granted. Why? I don't know. Fuck knows they have seen the worst of me. And one of you have seen the absolute worst of me, period. And yet y'all are still here, pushing what, seven plus years with one of you? Christ. 

I need to look closer to home before I try looking elsewhere. I need to realize, I have best friends. I have friends who would try their best to help me and in fact some of you already have... Just because I don't get utterly derpy around you guys (which seems to be a prerequisite to anything irl) doesn't mean that you guys aren't important to me. In fact quite the opposite. I've been trying to find positive attributes about myself, trying to understand myself, who I am, how I got to be that way. And I came to the realization that for better or worse, all of you have played a hand in shaping who I am today, and will continue to do so in the future. Words of advice imparted unto me by all of you still ring in my head, and yet only now is it registering. No, that's wrong... Only now can I say I understand it. Only now can I say understand the gesture, the meaning, and the effort.

I really do owe you guys a whole lot. Fuck, I consider a couple of you my brothers, and I'd say I consider Xenia something not unlike a sister but jesus christ that would be more complicated to think about than I really care to expound effort on. The thought counts right? xD - But anyways. I'm changing, everyone changes, and now it's time for me to really change. Not subconscious, gradual changes. But changes that are going to take insane ammounts of effort. And I'm human, so I'm going to make mistakes, I can only hope that everything I've already taken from you guys will be more than enough for me to keep on going. I hope I can turn into someone you can all be proud of calling friend. I hope I can do the amount of time and effort you've all dedicated into helping me, justice.

I need to remember that I do have you guys. That I'm not alone. And that people do care. Thank you. All of you. So much. Thanks.

だいたいちょ

Edit: Derp... http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=482558581820 - Scott just broke my mind and almost brought me to tears. DERP

[R] Newport Living - Cute is What We Aim For

(I fucking love this song, fuck yes.)


Anyways. So, uh, a couple not entirely emo updates. Instead of cutting or whatever else my mind might have concocted as fucked up ways to deal with shit, for the past three or so weeks I've been working out like a beast to cope with my mind. Currently clocking between 1 and  a half to 3 hours a day, with a max of 4 hours and 20 minutes clocked. I'm still on my supermodel-esque diet, barely eating, but it's keeping up, somehow. It's funny, what I'm doing is equally unhealthy and fueled by the exact same emotions, but the fact it's socially acceptable somehow changes things? Society is amusing. It has had another effect though, which I guess lends some credibility to it being a "better" way of dealing with things. The fact that I now have a decent body again and that it's constantly getting better is... uplifting? To say the least. Not to mention that being to tired to think never hurt either.

I'm starting to cope better with the boredom and the loneliness, but it's so hard to balance the old behavior of introverted, foreveralone.jpg gaming with whatever the hell title one puts on what I was in school, that it's quite stressful in and of itself. But it's a matter of cherry picking, balancing, and just dealing with shit. But I am getting back into SC2, whatever that means.

たいちょ

[R] Sakura - Nirgilis

I really do believe in more fairytales than a 5 year old girl, I swear. Or at least, I want to. Lolololololololololol.

[L] In the End - Linkin Park

(Who didn't see this one coming...)

Dear Jess;

Where do I start? I'd say the beginning, but I don't know where or when that would be. And besides, fact of the matter is that you probably already are fully aware of what any beginning would consist of. What I want to say is more like... filling in the blanks, and adding another chapter, and nuking this bridge once and for all. Yeah, we'll see.

Before I say anything else though, sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that I burden you, that I'm still being selfish, that I stain your existence with mine. How I wish I was stronger. Strong enough to have pushed you away when I should have. Strong enough to not have made you deal with this in the first place... Strong enough to call you a friend. But I'm not. I'm a weakling that crumbles and holds no power before niceness - even if it's forced.

You probably don't get it. Or maybe you do. But even a misconception wouldn't be that far from the truth though. Fact of the matter is, I've never known anyone who would have even bothered /coming to me/ and dropping what they were doing for the sake of stopping me from cutting myself. I know that if it had been any one of your friends, you would have done the same. Part of me wishes to be selfish and believe that you came in fact because it was me, but, I know that wasn't the case. But the fact you did it period, threw me for a trip and a half. Its funny, the other two times someone showed kindness to me just because they could, it gave me an existential breakdown. It wasn't even on this scale, the other two times. One was simply something that just... happens, and the other was a teacher who saw I had been down for weeks and tried to help. Those two events threw my head so far out, it's actually quite funny - In retrospect that is. Did you know? I'm not used to being hugged... It's the #1 reason why I liked the con so much? Hugs are nice - I never knew that prior to the con... And then... Nevermind xD

But, basically, I'm not used to people treating me like a human being. I'm really not. I'm not used to considering MYSELF a human being. I'm so, not broken but rather, strange and outcasted that I don't really have a place in society. It's part of the reason I've never been able to really have any friends irl - I just can't seem to A) Present myself in a way that people like me... and B) I can never come out of my shell fast enough. All other attempts ended in complete failure because, well, nobody likes the ugly, quiet kid with nothing in common with anyone else.

And then you come along. I knew you were different - it's why I showed you the scars in the first place. It's why I asked you to help me join the group, albeit under false pretenses. If only I had known I would regret all those actions so much. Whatever "good times" might have come out, in my mind, don't outweigh the heavy weight I feel, the akwardness I perceive, and the shit I am making you deal with. And yet, I can't seem to find a way out. I'm trying Jess, believe me I'm trying my best to find a conclusion to the shenaniganry that is this mindset of mine. But, It's so much harder than it might seem. And as much as I want beg for help, the fact of the matter is that the only one that will do anything in the end is me. And that scares me, because the being that is inherently me has little to no worth. Has no positive attribute to offer to the world. And thus may never be able to change. But I'm going to try. I have to try.

When I told you that you had become the anchor for my mental stability that night, I really wasn't kidding. Ever since you stopped me, whenever my mind started going down the depths of hell the only thing that brought it back was you. I would think of you and it would stop - I didn't want to make you see any fresh scars, didn't want to take up any more time... I hoped that I wouldn't have to - that finally someone valued my existence for unique reasons. That didn't last long did it? That night released you from being my anchor anyways, I can't bring myself to depend on you. Fuck, I can't bring myself to talk to you. In my mind, I lost you that night. And now my mind is duking it out with reality, to see whether or not I've really lost you.

And thats the thing though. We were never even close friends, at all. Fuck, I don't think I would have called us more than acquaintances up until I showed you the scars. Great way to make friends huh? "... And Btw, I'm a psychotic bastard!" And yet, because of the way my mind works, reality didn't quite hit me like that. My mind wanted to think otherwise. That we were in fact close friends at one point, that we had known each other for a lifetime, but that was never the case. And now it will never be the case. Because I inherently know people after a few hours of talking to them, it's hard for me not to get attached to those that I consider to be good people. And yet that only hurts. Because nobody else quite understands that fact, everybody else goes through the "getting to know people phase." Me? I just jump from complete strange to knowing most things about a person. I don't do it on purpose, and I probably can't even explain how in great detail, but I understand these things about people that... Never end well for me because those that I deem to have compatible personalities, I quickly attach myself to. It's wrong, hell it's creepy. And it's another reason why I never had any friends irl... 

When you kept on asking why I was doing it, to give you one reason as to why. Whether it be on the night that you stopped me, or the night on the bridge, the first thing was always "because we're here, doing this. Because I'm not strong enough to deal with this myself. Because I need help." And I'll be honest, that's what most of the cutting was - my way of screaming "I NEED FUCKING HELP!!!" The bridge was me realizing what I had done wrong, and fixing it in the only way I knew how. When I first deleted you from contacts, my only thoughts were those that I honestly thought would benefit you... Your persistence and the fact that, deep down inside I didn't want to lose my anchor to mental stability, and more importantly that I didn't want to lose this nonexistent connection to you, was what eventually led to the theatrics. I couldn't understand why you were still there... Why you did all you did, why you couldn't see that the right choice was for me to leave... And then when I came back... You... Just... 

And then later that night, I cried because that was me accepting reality. For a few brief moments, I accepted reality. I accepted that we were never, and never would be close. I accepted that I was a failure that night, and that what was best really was for me to leave. And then you came up behind me. You were still there. And then I couldn't keep up any act, I couldn't try to distance myself anymore. You were there. And for that an even more brief moment, that was real. I should have gotten on the shuttle. But at that point, I did what I wanted. I was selfish. I was more selfish than I have been in my entire life. My decision that night to stay in your life is the single most selfish thing I have ever done. 

And I'm torn on whether or not I regret it. I don't know if you can tell yet, but I'm not quite sure myself, even now, where I stand on so many things. I don't know if I should just cut whatever loose string still ties us together and do what should have been done, or fight the upriver battle versus hell to see if maybe we could be friends again. And I mean real friends, with no awkwardness. And I'm willing to fight it. Like they said in TTGL: "If it's not zero, it might as well be 100%" because I would fight until it happened. But. I... Don't think that I'm worth it? I don't think I have any right to make you put up with it? I also don't think it's right me for to throw all this on a poor girl who is just too nice for her own good and I know if I asked you, you would probably say that I should stay and be friends. Or rather, thats what I want to think. That's what I want to think. What I want to be reality is for you to tell me that I'm not alone, that you understand me, and that you do think we could be close friends and for my fiction to turn into reality. But daydreams are just that. I remember your words that night. I knew that it was never true. And there were barely the slightest chances in hell of it ever being true.

I'm scared. Of so many things. But that's life. And at least, I can feel that emotion now. I can feel fear. That's good. That means there's something I value now. But that fear does funny things with my head. Which when combined with my low self esteem end up in this. Well, my low self esteem and my over active imagination, jesus christ. My imagination is the cause of so many of my problems. You don't even have any idea... And yet  for the first time I don't hate it? It's doing all this to me, but because of you I can now maybe try to hope to be able to carve out a better future for myself.

But, it's just a slight hope. And I know that the only way that any of this will ever have any lasting effect on me, is if I don't cut the bridge and I don't finish isolating myself. But. Fuck. I don't know! I'm... I hate... I hate thinking about what my existence in anyone's life does to them. I... I'm trying to better myself but I'm afraid it won't be enough. I'm afraid it's too late. I want to cry again, I want to hold you again, I want you to tell me your true thoughts. I want no secrets. Because paranoia (fear + imagination = paranoia) sucks. And sadly I have no off button for it.

And thats it though. I want to know the real you, I don't just want to settle for the abstract outlines in my head. Sure, they can tell me what will happen and can give me a general idea about who a person is, but clearly you proved that it's not always right. But this selfish desire goes back to the fact that I want to be close friends with you. But. Like you said. It's not going to happen.

...To sum things up, I can't return to where I was before I met you. But it's likely what's going to happen if you don't stay in my life. But I can't have you in my life, without you being an anchor - at least not while I have THIS much to say that I can't say. Not while I don't know who I am. But yet this requires you to be in my life to happen, because like I said, I'll just revert if you're not here. But, maybe that's the best option... Maybe I should throw myself out into the wolves' den and see what happens. See how far I go. See if I really learned any lessons. And if there's a next time, to not screw it up. There probably won't be a next time, but maybe hoping for a next time is the best option - for you. You have no reason to be subjected to my selfishness.

But as I type this, over two weeks remain of the break. And maybe my introspection will yield positive results by then. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be closer to be able to face you. Maybe.

ぜつぼうたいちょ

[R] Unbound (The Wild Ride) - Avenged Sevenfold

Fitting song. Also, the first [L] will be up soon, maybe, I think. Probably.

Anyways, so, basically put, fffffffffffff. I've had enough time to think, I'm not a planner, I need to step out into action, I need to see the group again. I need to talk to Jess, but for some reason I always find it so, so very hard to attempt to talk to her on FB so it's not likely to happen. I need to understand that to her, I'm little more than a burden. I really do need to understand that and just move the fuck on, I mean seriously? Move on. Spread yo' wings and fly away you lazy pathetic fat ass. Or at least, I need to be allowed to carry out my lulz and let things finish...

But, that said. Man I don't have the slightest fucking idea. I really, really, really don't want to lose her as a friend. But I know I already did. I know that I'm never going to be part of the group - one doesn't "ask for friends" like I did with the group, so it's not going to work. The sooner I understand that the better.

But I also want to fight it all so much, fight the cycle, fight what I want to do, fight what is in order to make what will be favorable. But I don't know where I'd start, at all. I honestly don't know. I think the first step would probably be containing the crazy? Channeling it towards somewhere that counts? I just knew where would be a suitable channel. Working out doesn't work. An active RP would be a fucking great supplement to that, nothing like escapism after all, but that seems to be a no go. Ignoring the fact that I think I'd be depending on Jess for that shit anyways.

I. Don't. Know. Anything. Anymore. I wonder if I'm ever going to be normal... Or happy! I'll settle for that one instead. Being happy for longer than five minutes a decade would be... welcome. Incredibly so. Except that would require me kill the craziness, which isn't likely to happen unless I find something that makes me happy. Fuck. Circular. Logic.

So confused >_<

あほたいちょ

[R] Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park

Hah, title totally wasn't on purpose, but it kinda fits with what this post is going to be about.

So I was going through my last blog (I go through these every so often, usually only during highly emotional periods in my life - Yes, man periods.) and I found it really amusing. Because a lot of posts there mirror what I think now, a lot of the phrases I use to describe my actions and my thoughts are the same, and the general catalyst is most definitely the same - in theory. (Also, the last blog is depressing but has this one really, REALLY, REALLY amusing post that I just saved and might repost here, just because it's so fucking worth it)

Anyways... Maybe, just maybe, I can break the cycle? Because it's not just the last one. It's the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that (This is my fifth blog after all. The fourth is still online, and the other three exist as excel files on my desktop.) They all read exactly the same. Even now they read exactly the same. But never before have I ever looked back at them to read and remember my lessons. Granted, the damage's already done, but I think that... I can still salvage something this time. If I can break the cycle, this could very well be the last time.

I'm going to try, I really will, there will be ups, there will be downs, fuck it's a down right now but I have another two and a half weeks to try fix myself. I have two and a half weeks down time to deal with everything and anything related to myself. Think I can save myself this time? We'll see.

Also, I probably am Bipolar. Or at least Cyclodysthmic or whatever the fuck Bipolar-lite is supposed to be

たいちょ

[R] Stand up - Fireflight

I need to stop calling an all in before I even see my hand - it tends up in my having a 3-Jack offsuit. Not a good hand to fucking play, much less one to go all in with, seriously what the fucking sheisse?

What am I so afraid of? Why do I always fuck everything up to a point of no return? Why am I so pessimistic exclusively about myself? If I'm so "smart" why can't I stop this fucking bullshit? Why am I so helpless and depend on others, to be precise, females, to fucking function like a normal human being? I need to be able to enjoy things and live a life that I WANT. Not... Anything else. Why... Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I so intent on destroying every chance I'm ever given? Can I just enjoy the presence of other people in my life without constantly consider how best to push them away and tell them to go to hell? Why... Why is it that all I'm capable of is making people's life miserable? Why should I exist then if that's all I can do? I... I dunno why I should subject other people to the torture that is my existence...

I want to change so much, I really do. But, I'm... Just... Not capable of it, I think.  For every step forwards I take, I take three steps back. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. Asking for help isn't going to work. And no one can show me what to do. I have to keep on stumbling around in the darkness alone till... something happens, right? I... Fuck...

ぜつぼうたいちょ

-Edit: Holy shit, is it me, or is that second paragraph eerily reminiscent of Kaze's rant in episode 6 of Ef - A Tale of Melodies? Or at least, the schizophrenic use of Why is

[R] If You're Gone - Matchbox 20

So I had the first logical thought today regarding my situation? And what is the most likely outcome in all reality to actually happen? My kneejerk reaction was: Fuck You, Reality. That's a new one for me, telling to logic to go fuck itself.

Hah, we'll see xD

ばかたいちょ

[R] Honestly - Cartel

So, I heard shenanigans were up in this place? What say you, my ghost of a reader? Ah, ah, sexy time ne?

Anyways, so... I kinda just figured out why I will never, ever, accept people calling me smart as a compliment. It's kinda obvious but kinda not at the same time, and fuck it even if it is the single most obvious thing in the world to everyone else, it sure as hell wasn't to me till a few minutes ago so.... Fuck you? I think so.

On to the point, and there's two of them actually. The first of which is admittedly more obvious - I simply don't view being "smart" in the way that I am a positive trait. I view intelligence as not a trait that should be leveled above the masses as superior, but one that should be inherent to the masses, and one that all should strive for. Tl;dr: Everyone should be smart, or at least try to. But this is really only a small, small, small part of it - the big one is up ahead. Read on if you want to know xD

So uh, more importantly? I simply don't want being smart to be my one defining attribute. I've heard it so much that it never really sank in, it's not really true to me, and it's not what I want to be known as. I'd rather be known as the emo bastard from hell than a genius. Why? I dunno... But being called smart is like hearing someone tell me "I don't give a shit, so I'm just going to say the single most obvious thing that anybody could say after five minutes with you." So, derp. It's not so much a slap to the face as much as it's just a sign of lack of caring? I dunno, there's more that defines me than just being smart.

Although exactly what that is, I have no fucking idea yet xD Any ideas?

だいばかたいちょ

Derp

So, this exists for the sake of me venting and raging and what have you. Yes, another one. This one will just be randomness, and it could be anything from a random line that popped into my head to a gigantic wall-o-text from doom, ne?

ばかたいちょ