Dear Jess;
Where do I start? I'd say the beginning, but I don't know where or when that would be. And besides, fact of the matter is that you probably already are fully aware of what any beginning would consist of. What I want to say is more like... filling in the blanks, and adding another chapter, and nuking this bridge once and for all. Yeah, we'll see.
Before I say anything else though, sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that I burden you, that I'm still being selfish, that I stain your existence with mine. How I wish I was stronger. Strong enough to have pushed you away when I should have. Strong enough to not have made you deal with this in the first place... Strong enough to call you a friend. But I'm not. I'm a weakling that crumbles and holds no power before niceness - even if it's forced.
You probably don't get it. Or maybe you do. But even a misconception wouldn't be that far from the truth though. Fact of the matter is, I've never known anyone who would have even bothered /coming to me/ and dropping what they were doing for the sake of stopping me from cutting myself. I know that if it had been any one of your friends, you would have done the same. Part of me wishes to be selfish and believe that you came in fact because it was me, but, I know that wasn't the case. But the fact you did it period, threw me for a trip and a half. Its funny, the other two times someone showed kindness to me just because they could, it gave me an existential breakdown. It wasn't even on this scale, the other two times. One was simply something that just... happens, and the other was a teacher who saw I had been down for weeks and tried to help. Those two events threw my head so far out, it's actually quite funny - In retrospect that is. Did you know? I'm not used to being hugged... It's the #1 reason why I liked the con so much? Hugs are nice - I never knew that prior to the con... And then... Nevermind xD
But, basically, I'm not used to people treating me like a human being. I'm really not. I'm not used to considering MYSELF a human being. I'm so, not broken but rather, strange and outcasted that I don't really have a place in society. It's part of the reason I've never been able to really have any friends irl - I just can't seem to A) Present myself in a way that people like me... and B) I can never come out of my shell fast enough. All other attempts ended in complete failure because, well, nobody likes the ugly, quiet kid with nothing in common with anyone else.
And then you come along. I knew you were different - it's why I showed you the scars in the first place. It's why I asked you to help me join the group, albeit under false pretenses. If only I had known I would regret all those actions so much. Whatever "good times" might have come out, in my mind, don't outweigh the heavy weight I feel, the akwardness I perceive, and the shit I am making you deal with. And yet, I can't seem to find a way out. I'm trying Jess, believe me I'm trying my best to find a conclusion to the shenaniganry that is this mindset of mine. But, It's so much harder than it might seem. And as much as I want beg for help, the fact of the matter is that the only one that will do anything in the end is me. And that scares me, because the being that is inherently me has little to no worth. Has no positive attribute to offer to the world. And thus may never be able to change. But I'm going to try. I have to try.
When I told you that you had become the anchor for my mental stability that night, I really wasn't kidding. Ever since you stopped me, whenever my mind started going down the depths of hell the only thing that brought it back was you. I would think of you and it would stop - I didn't want to make you see any fresh scars, didn't want to take up any more time... I hoped that I wouldn't have to - that finally someone valued my existence for unique reasons. That didn't last long did it? That night released you from being my anchor anyways, I can't bring myself to depend on you. Fuck, I can't bring myself to talk to you. In my mind, I lost you that night. And now my mind is duking it out with reality, to see whether or not I've really lost you.
And thats the thing though. We were never even close friends, at all. Fuck, I don't think I would have called us more than acquaintances up until I showed you the scars. Great way to make friends huh? "... And Btw, I'm a psychotic bastard!" And yet, because of the way my mind works, reality didn't quite hit me like that. My mind wanted to think otherwise. That we were in fact close friends at one point, that we had known each other for a lifetime, but that was never the case. And now it will never be the case. Because I inherently know people after a few hours of talking to them, it's hard for me not to get attached to those that I consider to be good people. And yet that only hurts. Because nobody else quite understands that fact, everybody else goes through the "getting to know people phase." Me? I just jump from complete strange to knowing most things about a person. I don't do it on purpose, and I probably can't even explain how in great detail, but I understand these things about people that... Never end well for me because those that I deem to have compatible personalities, I quickly attach myself to. It's wrong, hell it's creepy. And it's another reason why I never had any friends irl...
When you kept on asking why I was doing it, to give you one reason as to why. Whether it be on the night that you stopped me, or the night on the bridge, the first thing was always "because we're here, doing this. Because I'm not strong enough to deal with this myself. Because I need help." And I'll be honest, that's what most of the cutting was - my way of screaming "I NEED FUCKING HELP!!!" The bridge was me realizing what I had done wrong, and fixing it in the only way I knew how. When I first deleted you from contacts, my only thoughts were those that I honestly thought would benefit you... Your persistence and the fact that, deep down inside I didn't want to lose my anchor to mental stability, and more importantly that I didn't want to lose this nonexistent connection to you, was what eventually led to the theatrics. I couldn't understand why you were still there... Why you did all you did, why you couldn't see that the right choice was for me to leave... And then when I came back... You... Just...
And then later that night, I cried because that was me accepting reality. For a few brief moments, I accepted reality. I accepted that we were never, and never would be close. I accepted that I was a failure that night, and that what was best really was for me to leave. And then you came up behind me. You were still there. And then I couldn't keep up any act, I couldn't try to distance myself anymore. You were there. And for that an even more brief moment, that was real. I should have gotten on the shuttle. But at that point, I did what I wanted. I was selfish. I was more selfish than I have been in my entire life. My decision that night to stay in your life is the single most selfish thing I have ever done.
And I'm torn on whether or not I regret it. I don't know if you can tell yet, but I'm not quite sure myself, even now, where I stand on so many things. I don't know if I should just cut whatever loose string still ties us together and do what should have been done, or fight the upriver battle versus hell to see if maybe we could be friends again. And I mean real friends, with no awkwardness. And I'm willing to fight it. Like they said in TTGL: "If it's not zero, it might as well be 100%" because I would fight until it happened. But. I... Don't think that I'm worth it? I don't think I have any right to make you put up with it? I also don't think it's right me for to throw all this on a poor girl who is just too nice for her own good and I know if I asked you, you would probably say that I should stay and be friends. Or rather, thats what I want to think. That's what I want to think. What I want to be reality is for you to tell me that I'm not alone, that you understand me, and that you do think we could be close friends and for my fiction to turn into reality. But daydreams are just that. I remember your words that night. I knew that it was never true. And there were barely the slightest chances in hell of it ever being true.
I'm scared. Of so many things. But that's life. And at least, I can feel that emotion now. I can feel fear. That's good. That means there's something I value now. But that fear does funny things with my head. Which when combined with my low self esteem end up in this. Well, my low self esteem and my over active imagination, jesus christ. My imagination is the cause of so many of my problems. You don't even have any idea... And yet for the first time I don't hate it? It's doing all this to me, but because of you I can now maybe try to hope to be able to carve out a better future for myself.
But, it's just a slight hope. And I know that the only way that any of this will ever have any lasting effect on me, is if I don't cut the bridge and I don't finish isolating myself. But. Fuck. I don't know! I'm... I hate... I hate thinking about what my existence in anyone's life does to them. I... I'm trying to better myself but I'm afraid it won't be enough. I'm afraid it's too late. I want to cry again, I want to hold you again, I want you to tell me your true thoughts. I want no secrets. Because paranoia (fear + imagination = paranoia) sucks. And sadly I have no off button for it.
And thats it though. I want to know the real you, I don't just want to settle for the abstract outlines in my head. Sure, they can tell me what will happen and can give me a general idea about who a person is, but clearly you proved that it's not always right. But this selfish desire goes back to the fact that I want to be close friends with you. But. Like you said. It's not going to happen.
...To sum things up, I can't return to where I was before I met you. But it's likely what's going to happen if you don't stay in my life. But I can't have you in my life, without you being an anchor - at least not while I have THIS much to say that I can't say. Not while I don't know who I am. But yet this requires you to be in my life to happen, because like I said, I'll just revert if you're not here. But, maybe that's the best option... Maybe I should throw myself out into the wolves' den and see what happens. See how far I go. See if I really learned any lessons. And if there's a next time, to not screw it up. There probably won't be a next time, but maybe hoping for a next time is the best option - for you. You have no reason to be subjected to my selfishness.
But as I type this, over two weeks remain of the break. And maybe my introspection will yield positive results by then. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be closer to be able to face you. Maybe.
ぜつぼうたいちょ
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