I need to stop calling an all in before I even see my hand - it tends up in my having a 3-Jack offsuit. Not a good hand to fucking play, much less one to go all in with, seriously what the fucking sheisse?
What am I so afraid of? Why do I always fuck everything up to a point of no return? Why am I so pessimistic exclusively about myself? If I'm so "smart" why can't I stop this fucking bullshit? Why am I so helpless and depend on others, to be precise, females, to fucking function like a normal human being? I need to be able to enjoy things and live a life that I WANT. Not... Anything else. Why... Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I so intent on destroying every chance I'm ever given? Can I just enjoy the presence of other people in my life without constantly consider how best to push them away and tell them to go to hell? Why... Why is it that all I'm capable of is making people's life miserable? Why should I exist then if that's all I can do? I... I dunno why I should subject other people to the torture that is my existence...
I want to change so much, I really do. But, I'm... Just... Not capable of it, I think. For every step forwards I take, I take three steps back. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. Asking for help isn't going to work. And no one can show me what to do. I have to keep on stumbling around in the darkness alone till... something happens, right? I... Fuck...
ぜつぼうたいちょ
-Edit: Holy shit, is it me, or is that second paragraph eerily reminiscent of Kaze's rant in episode 6 of Ef - A Tale of Melodies? Or at least, the schizophrenic use of Why is
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