Fitting song. Also, the first [L] will be up soon, maybe, I think. Probably.
Anyways, so, basically put, fffffffffffff. I've had enough time to think, I'm not a planner, I need to step out into action, I need to see the group again. I need to talk to Jess, but for some reason I always find it so, so very hard to attempt to talk to her on FB so it's not likely to happen. I need to understand that to her, I'm little more than a burden. I really do need to understand that and just move the fuck on, I mean seriously? Move on. Spread yo' wings and fly away you lazy pathetic fat ass. Or at least, I need to be allowed to carry out my lulz and let things finish...
But, that said. Man I don't have the slightest fucking idea. I really, really, really don't want to lose her as a friend. But I know I already did. I know that I'm never going to be part of the group - one doesn't "ask for friends" like I did with the group, so it's not going to work. The sooner I understand that the better.
But I also want to fight it all so much, fight the cycle, fight what I want to do, fight what is in order to make what will be favorable. But I don't know where I'd start, at all. I honestly don't know. I think the first step would probably be containing the crazy? Channeling it towards somewhere that counts? I just knew where would be a suitable channel. Working out doesn't work. An active RP would be a fucking great supplement to that, nothing like escapism after all, but that seems to be a no go. Ignoring the fact that I think I'd be depending on Jess for that shit anyways.
I. Don't. Know. Anything. Anymore. I wonder if I'm ever going to be normal... Or happy! I'll settle for that one instead. Being happy for longer than five minutes a decade would be... welcome. Incredibly so. Except that would require me kill the craziness, which isn't likely to happen unless I find something that makes me happy. Fuck. Circular. Logic.
So confused >_<
あほたいちょ
No comments:
Post a Comment