Dear S,
Bro... Can I run? I know you're tired of listening to me, and I know that if you hear me complaining about something that already pisses you off you'd probably shank me, but I'm lost. I don't want to do man. Seriously? I find myself unable to keep a straight thought for the life of me. I can't act in a consistent manner, I can't even move in such. I know you think I'm a hypocrite for pursuing the choices I do, and that's fine. But I really do think that somewhere in this chaos I find myself neck-deep in, lies the solution to my problems.
But I fear it's already left me. I fear it's too late to get out. And I fear what will happen once I'm fully submerged. I know I've changed a lot, or it might seem such at least, but I really don't think I've changed at all. I can't say no to anyone who asks for my help. I can't say no to anyone who wants to do something, and I can't run away properly. I know you're probably laughing at me right now, but that's seriously how it is. It's not that you guys aren't as important to me, because that's not the case, and I do very much miss talking to all of you on vent... I can't really put it into words why I relentlessly pursue this course, or why I refuse to allow myself to run away...
Actually, I think I know the answer to the last one. I refuse to let myself run away because I want a reason to cry. I run forwards headfirst into battle, already knowing that what lays ahead of me is a cliff. All that will ever lay in front of me is a cliff, and so I run forwards towards it, lying to myself. I could stop, turn around, and run away. But I'd just be running off a different cliff. I decided that for once, I'm not going to confine myself to this island of misery I'm on, and I'm going to see what really lies beyond the cliffs.
To be fair, I just really want someone to stop me and just tell me it'll be ok. That I'll be ok. But that role falls unto very specific individuals, none of which will tell me such a thing. Because they know it's not ok. Because they can't lie to me. Because they inherently know what my ultimate goal is, and know that any other option is an act in futility...
Oh but how I wish someone cared enough to try to stop me. And not online, because I know that a few of you would try your best to stop me. And I love you for it. But we've already established that there's very little replacement for the physical comfort of having someone there. Someone to physically stop you. But that's not my lot is it? These social groups I've made myself a part of, I can see very much through them. I understand now many things you told me once upon a time, and in fact still tell me. About not fitting in, about feeling out of place even among those who wold call themselves your friends. I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything I can do either... I'm scared.
Also, that one day you told me not to do something stupid, I didn't. I found a way to deal with an issue I did need to deal with, without pulling an all-in like I was planning. Thanks. And I don't know why this is aimed at you, this is barely about you... But you're probably the only person ever who would understand me...
ばかおにいさん
Monday, January 31, 2011
[R] Violent Pornography - System of a Down
Holy, fucking derp.
I realize that some problems within me are going to be around for probably fucking ever. Every night I feel this crippling despair wrench itself unto my very existence and it slowly twists it. There are days where I manage to undo the twisting, and then some, other days it just stays as is. But it all seems for naught because whatever is causing this hell-sent torture, still lurks around awaiting it's prey every night.
I am unable to find any real pleasure in things, because come night time, my mind twists everything into as negative a spin as humanely possible. This process has been going on for years. These past seven weeks I've been attempting my hardest to stop the cycle, reverse, the twisting, and fight it with everything I have.
But my attempts have backfired. The cure turned into the venom.
It feels like drowning in pitch darkness. No clue if it's two feet of water, two inches, or two thousand feet. All you know is that you're drowning, and whenever you finally get to start gaining your balance or see some light, you get pushed. Or you get blinded. It's just a never ending vicious cycle. How I wish they would just leave me be. I want to go one night without feeling like the world's ending.
I realize that some problems within me are going to be around for probably fucking ever. Every night I feel this crippling despair wrench itself unto my very existence and it slowly twists it. There are days where I manage to undo the twisting, and then some, other days it just stays as is. But it all seems for naught because whatever is causing this hell-sent torture, still lurks around awaiting it's prey every night.
I am unable to find any real pleasure in things, because come night time, my mind twists everything into as negative a spin as humanely possible. This process has been going on for years. These past seven weeks I've been attempting my hardest to stop the cycle, reverse, the twisting, and fight it with everything I have.
But my attempts have backfired. The cure turned into the venom.
It feels like drowning in pitch darkness. No clue if it's two feet of water, two inches, or two thousand feet. All you know is that you're drowning, and whenever you finally get to start gaining your balance or see some light, you get pushed. Or you get blinded. It's just a never ending vicious cycle. How I wish they would just leave me be. I want to go one night without feeling like the world's ending.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
[R] Attention - The Academy Is...
Its been, oh say, two weeks now? Fun. Where to start? Uh, that is a good question. Let's start in the now and work our way backwards, shall we?
Or not. All attempts at writing something are roughly turning into no more than a summary of events in a reverse-chronological manner with no real explanation or feelings behind it, so it's not going to happen. After all, the point of this blog is to log my feelings and thoughts, not my every little move.
A realization I made the other day was as depressing as it was enlightening, but one that in the long run is probably detrimental to my well being. Once upon a time I believed that the solution to all my problems, the fact that I was an outcast and didn't quite have a place in life would be fixed by being social and finding people to hang out with and establish a physical closeness. Well, its here, and guess what? Fail and aids. It keeps me busy enough often times to prevent the existential bullshit from cropping up as often as it could, but it's still there because the problem is inherently there.
Out of everyone I hang out with, maybe only three or four I really consider to have anything real in common with. People I can maybe begin to call friends. But I know two of them are incredibly wary of my existence and keep me at bay - which quite frankly I don't blame them for, at all. It's kind of a shitty realization though. Realizing that no matter what, one will never really fit in. There may be odd individuals here and there that one might find to be pleasant company, but that's about it. The inherent fact that other than these few, scattered, individuals, nobody will ever really understand or care about entities like myself.
Alongside this revelation, the presence of time became very real once again. The fact that, when time is added to the equation, maybe all of two people will ever be able to tolerate me. The realistic presentation of the absolute futility of all actions kind of makes it hard to function at this point in time. Which really does make me laugh to an extent, because I've fought pretty hard to get to where I am, how I am, the person that I am. And now that I'm starting to make real progress, I'm coming to understand the absolute futility of it all. Counter-productive thoughts, go!
Debating whether or not the best option for me is to run back into my hermit hole, focus on school and my own shenanigans and just let the world fall to pieces around me. The only reason I haven't done it is because those rare moments that are actually fun (All of which relate to cosplaying, anime, or things around those lines, sadly) keep me going. Those few events, regardless of how rare and unlikely they are, just make everything so worthwhile that it adds the counter argument of "It's not the ending that matters, but how you got there" into the mix. It is, however, a very weak argument with very poor backing.
I really do believe I am inherently the problem. Not just my own problem, but the problem of all those around me.
Or not. All attempts at writing something are roughly turning into no more than a summary of events in a reverse-chronological manner with no real explanation or feelings behind it, so it's not going to happen. After all, the point of this blog is to log my feelings and thoughts, not my every little move.
A realization I made the other day was as depressing as it was enlightening, but one that in the long run is probably detrimental to my well being. Once upon a time I believed that the solution to all my problems, the fact that I was an outcast and didn't quite have a place in life would be fixed by being social and finding people to hang out with and establish a physical closeness. Well, its here, and guess what? Fail and aids. It keeps me busy enough often times to prevent the existential bullshit from cropping up as often as it could, but it's still there because the problem is inherently there.
Out of everyone I hang out with, maybe only three or four I really consider to have anything real in common with. People I can maybe begin to call friends. But I know two of them are incredibly wary of my existence and keep me at bay - which quite frankly I don't blame them for, at all. It's kind of a shitty realization though. Realizing that no matter what, one will never really fit in. There may be odd individuals here and there that one might find to be pleasant company, but that's about it. The inherent fact that other than these few, scattered, individuals, nobody will ever really understand or care about entities like myself.
Alongside this revelation, the presence of time became very real once again. The fact that, when time is added to the equation, maybe all of two people will ever be able to tolerate me. The realistic presentation of the absolute futility of all actions kind of makes it hard to function at this point in time. Which really does make me laugh to an extent, because I've fought pretty hard to get to where I am, how I am, the person that I am. And now that I'm starting to make real progress, I'm coming to understand the absolute futility of it all. Counter-productive thoughts, go!
Debating whether or not the best option for me is to run back into my hermit hole, focus on school and my own shenanigans and just let the world fall to pieces around me. The only reason I haven't done it is because those rare moments that are actually fun (All of which relate to cosplaying, anime, or things around those lines, sadly) keep me going. Those few events, regardless of how rare and unlikely they are, just make everything so worthwhile that it adds the counter argument of "It's not the ending that matters, but how you got there" into the mix. It is, however, a very weak argument with very poor backing.
I really do believe I am inherently the problem. Not just my own problem, but the problem of all those around me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
[L] Tonight the World Dies - Avenged Sevenfold
(Yeah, originally it was You Raise me Up - Josh Groban but... yeah no. Just. No.)
Dear [Name],
I think I can start this exclusively by apologizing, again.
I don't know how things have gotten to the point where they are, or why we are where we are, but it looks like we're here nonetheless. To be a hundred percent honest, I did not intend to attempt to integrate back into the group that fast, nor that strongly. It just kind of happened. Had I not run into those two when I did, I would have waited till at least Monday to text anyone for anything. But life's just kinda funny that way I guess. 'Tis only been three days though, dunno how the hell three days seems like at least a week, but it does lol.
Maybe I imagined it, but I love the look you had when you saw me. That priceless "Oh FFS" was both amusing and somewhat depressing, not gonna lie. Went about how I might've expected it to go though. You're not the kind to really by upfront about these kind of things unless you just finally snap. And given previous circumstances it wasn't likely that you'd do that just yet so.
It's... Interesting though. Through sheer luck and random circumstances we've ended up side by side quite a few times, and yet each time we never even look at each other or say a word to each other when we do. It's kind of like there's a wall of unobtanium between us. And there is, in more than one ways, a wall between us. I'm sure I'm not imagining this one at least. If I had to explain it, it'd be like this: There's certain subtleties in your behavior towards me (and some that are quite frankly not-so-subtle, at all) that indicate a... I'd use the word dislike? Towards me. If I had to describe in the simplest way possible, it'd be a frankness in your demeanor that just isn't there towards other people. It's not just honesty it's a kind of cruel, timed, frankness that seems to go towards supporting the unobtanium wall. I don't know if it's meant to make me uncomfortable or not. I don't know if it is in fact a sign that you dislike me. I can't tell to be honest. The reason that I called it you being frank though, because it's something that I don't really see that often. Or maybe I'm imagining shit again. Oh well.
To be honest, I feel like I'm making you uncomfortable, I really do. And at this rate I'm probably just going to be entirely frank with you soon, and ask you straight up. Because quite frankly I don't want to be "that guy" so I'd have little problems gracefully bowing out before it all explodes on my face.
Thank you though, for putting up with me as long as you have. I appreciate it.
ばかたいちょう
Dear [Name],
I think I can start this exclusively by apologizing, again.
I don't know how things have gotten to the point where they are, or why we are where we are, but it looks like we're here nonetheless. To be a hundred percent honest, I did not intend to attempt to integrate back into the group that fast, nor that strongly. It just kind of happened. Had I not run into those two when I did, I would have waited till at least Monday to text anyone for anything. But life's just kinda funny that way I guess. 'Tis only been three days though, dunno how the hell three days seems like at least a week, but it does lol.
Maybe I imagined it, but I love the look you had when you saw me. That priceless "Oh FFS" was both amusing and somewhat depressing, not gonna lie. Went about how I might've expected it to go though. You're not the kind to really by upfront about these kind of things unless you just finally snap. And given previous circumstances it wasn't likely that you'd do that just yet so.
It's... Interesting though. Through sheer luck and random circumstances we've ended up side by side quite a few times, and yet each time we never even look at each other or say a word to each other when we do. It's kind of like there's a wall of unobtanium between us. And there is, in more than one ways, a wall between us. I'm sure I'm not imagining this one at least. If I had to explain it, it'd be like this: There's certain subtleties in your behavior towards me (and some that are quite frankly not-so-subtle, at all) that indicate a... I'd use the word dislike? Towards me. If I had to describe in the simplest way possible, it'd be a frankness in your demeanor that just isn't there towards other people. It's not just honesty it's a kind of cruel, timed, frankness that seems to go towards supporting the unobtanium wall. I don't know if it's meant to make me uncomfortable or not. I don't know if it is in fact a sign that you dislike me. I can't tell to be honest. The reason that I called it you being frank though, because it's something that I don't really see that often. Or maybe I'm imagining shit again. Oh well.
To be honest, I feel like I'm making you uncomfortable, I really do. And at this rate I'm probably just going to be entirely frank with you soon, and ask you straight up. Because quite frankly I don't want to be "that guy" so I'd have little problems gracefully bowing out before it all explodes on my face.
Thank you though, for putting up with me as long as you have. I appreciate it.
ばかたいちょう
Sunday, January 16, 2011
[R] Thank you Child - Zakk Wylde
Herpa Derp.
So this is probably going to be a fairly short post. I'm going to try to transition to doing [L] more often even if I just choose a random person and don't name them explicitly. It' easier for me to straighten my thoughts out if I can treat as if I'm trying to talk to a person, because then I can more accurately and properly say what I want to say, instead of the usual shenanigans I pull when just speaking to a generic audience.
The lack of updates hasn't been on purpose, more of just literally no time or too tired. Life's been all kinds of weird, but more on that whenever I get around to it.
ばかたいちょう
So this is probably going to be a fairly short post. I'm going to try to transition to doing [L] more often even if I just choose a random person and don't name them explicitly. It' easier for me to straighten my thoughts out if I can treat as if I'm trying to talk to a person, because then I can more accurately and properly say what I want to say, instead of the usual shenanigans I pull when just speaking to a generic audience.
The lack of updates hasn't been on purpose, more of just literally no time or too tired. Life's been all kinds of weird, but more on that whenever I get around to it.
ばかたいちょう
Friday, January 14, 2011
[L] In the End - Linkin Park Pt II
(Addendum to the prior one)
Dear Jess,
Hey, it's me again. It appears that two and a half weeks were better for me than I expected. The total month away from all the shenanigans gave me enough time to bring myself back to reality. It was also enough to straighten me out in a variety of ways, for now.
I can't say that I'm fixed for good. I can't say that a few months from now I won't be an emo piece of shit again. But I can say that for now, I've begun to move forward. There seems to be this deadly cycle in my life that I'm going to try to break now. I'm not going to run away, I'm going to tackle them head on with a clear head and eyes on the future. It's funny though, as hellish as this past month has been on my mind, it really was for the best. Never before in my life have I gotten this cool down time. Never before have I had the ability to sit back and just think about wtf is going on before proceeding.
But I've had that opportunity now, and I've no intention of letting it go to waste. I've come to terms that, ok so maybe we're not as close as I'd like, but that's ok. Reality doesn't work over night. It's a gradual process. In more ways than one. A lot of my craziness seems to have settled down by now and I can honestly say: I have little fucking clue what the fuck was going through my god-forsaken head at the time. Which is good. It means that I've made at least some progress for now.
Of course, I'm not saying that there's not massive amounts of derp in my head. Nor am I saying that it's not full of fuck - 'cause it is. Kinda goes with the territory of being intuitive and over-analyzing things to a fault. But at least I hope that I'm capable of handling it now. Words are cheap after all. And with me, when I'm infinitely more fluent with the pen than I am with the sword, they tend to come even cheaper. So I guess now comes the true trials. But I'm not afraid of them. Either I've already broken the cycle, or it's returned back to it's starting point, and although the latter is more likely, regardless of the situation, I should be fine.
Somewhere down the line it seems you were more effective at throwing me into the group than you thought, as currently it seems that I've begun to carve out my own niche in the group quite nicely, but I can't help but feel somehow guilty about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't second guess my "entrance" into the group if you will, but I can't run away. I'm probably being selfish by sticking around. But whether or not you realize it, it was probably one of the biggest things you did to help me, introduce me to the group, and I'm not about to let your effort go to waste. That said, I do feel guilty about it because quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you and I never even reach the level of friends again. There seems to be something maliciously ironic about that which tends to rear it's ugly head now and again. But if I pulled away now I'd be running away from both my problems and the solution to them. So I'm not going to run.
I might come into my own eventually and slowly pull away. Although currently I can't see that, if I do manage to somehow become uberly extroverted (as if xDDDDDDDDDDDDD) then I might slowly transfer myself out of the group for the sake of giving you peace of mind.
If you can't tell already, I think it's somehow changed to whatever it was before, to a more healthy guilt-with-a-purpose, if you will. I still don't think I have the right to talk to you, but I'm going to try to earn it. I remember the promise I made with you, and although you may not, I am going to try to make good on all parts of it... If I can, and you let me. Although derp shit was kinda derpy and to be frank I won't be surprised if you don't ever let me ^_^
I've also started to find... myself? I guess you could say. You said everyone had a purpose on this earth. At the time I honestly believed mines was to cause people naught but pain, and to be quite frank I believed that for years. But. That's not true. I'm not all too sure of what and who I am just yet. But I'll get there eventually. I've started to find positive traits in myself though! I've begun to understand that just maybe I do have redeeming qualities after all. The hate for myself is subsiding. Definitely.
The cry for help (read: cutting) worked and backfired and then worked again and derp. But I do have to admit one thing - there's a limit to the things one can do alone. But I'm not alone. I haven't been for years. I was just too stupid to see that. 'Course, I still have no one to hug (did I mention you're awesome at giving hugs?) but, that's a sidepoint. Though, ffffffff roflmao. But anyways! Point is. I'm coming into my own, finally.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm okay now. Or at least, better than I've ever been. It may be late, and I might be starting far behind from where I should be, but I'm finally beginning to start moving forwards again. I am, as best as I could be, okay. I no longer need an "anchor" to my sanity. At least, not an explicitly external one. I do however want you to remain my friend, if only so I can uphold my end of the promise. But I feel that at least for now, I have no right to ask that. Maybe you disagree, or maybe my (usually) rational mind is right and you do harbor some strong dislike towards me. This is probably just me giving myself too little credit again, but regardless of how far I've come, I can't shake the feeling that I hurt you tremendously. Maybe you can set me right on that, but I doubt it. If only for that though, I've begun to move forwards.
I'm okay now, and I'm going to get better. In order to begin to do that, I had to reluctantly release the anchor. And now it's been gone. I just hope I can earn your friendship and trust back.
ばか
Dear Jess,
Hey, it's me again. It appears that two and a half weeks were better for me than I expected. The total month away from all the shenanigans gave me enough time to bring myself back to reality. It was also enough to straighten me out in a variety of ways, for now.
I can't say that I'm fixed for good. I can't say that a few months from now I won't be an emo piece of shit again. But I can say that for now, I've begun to move forward. There seems to be this deadly cycle in my life that I'm going to try to break now. I'm not going to run away, I'm going to tackle them head on with a clear head and eyes on the future. It's funny though, as hellish as this past month has been on my mind, it really was for the best. Never before in my life have I gotten this cool down time. Never before have I had the ability to sit back and just think about wtf is going on before proceeding.
But I've had that opportunity now, and I've no intention of letting it go to waste. I've come to terms that, ok so maybe we're not as close as I'd like, but that's ok. Reality doesn't work over night. It's a gradual process. In more ways than one. A lot of my craziness seems to have settled down by now and I can honestly say: I have little fucking clue what the fuck was going through my god-forsaken head at the time. Which is good. It means that I've made at least some progress for now.
Of course, I'm not saying that there's not massive amounts of derp in my head. Nor am I saying that it's not full of fuck - 'cause it is. Kinda goes with the territory of being intuitive and over-analyzing things to a fault. But at least I hope that I'm capable of handling it now. Words are cheap after all. And with me, when I'm infinitely more fluent with the pen than I am with the sword, they tend to come even cheaper. So I guess now comes the true trials. But I'm not afraid of them. Either I've already broken the cycle, or it's returned back to it's starting point, and although the latter is more likely, regardless of the situation, I should be fine.
Somewhere down the line it seems you were more effective at throwing me into the group than you thought, as currently it seems that I've begun to carve out my own niche in the group quite nicely, but I can't help but feel somehow guilty about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't second guess my "entrance" into the group if you will, but I can't run away. I'm probably being selfish by sticking around. But whether or not you realize it, it was probably one of the biggest things you did to help me, introduce me to the group, and I'm not about to let your effort go to waste. That said, I do feel guilty about it because quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you and I never even reach the level of friends again. There seems to be something maliciously ironic about that which tends to rear it's ugly head now and again. But if I pulled away now I'd be running away from both my problems and the solution to them. So I'm not going to run.
I might come into my own eventually and slowly pull away. Although currently I can't see that, if I do manage to somehow become uberly extroverted (as if xDDDDDDDDDDDDD) then I might slowly transfer myself out of the group for the sake of giving you peace of mind.
If you can't tell already, I think it's somehow changed to whatever it was before, to a more healthy guilt-with-a-purpose, if you will. I still don't think I have the right to talk to you, but I'm going to try to earn it. I remember the promise I made with you, and although you may not, I am going to try to make good on all parts of it... If I can, and you let me. Although derp shit was kinda derpy and to be frank I won't be surprised if you don't ever let me ^_^
I've also started to find... myself? I guess you could say. You said everyone had a purpose on this earth. At the time I honestly believed mines was to cause people naught but pain, and to be quite frank I believed that for years. But. That's not true. I'm not all too sure of what and who I am just yet. But I'll get there eventually. I've started to find positive traits in myself though! I've begun to understand that just maybe I do have redeeming qualities after all. The hate for myself is subsiding. Definitely.
The cry for help (read: cutting) worked and backfired and then worked again and derp. But I do have to admit one thing - there's a limit to the things one can do alone. But I'm not alone. I haven't been for years. I was just too stupid to see that. 'Course, I still have no one to hug (did I mention you're awesome at giving hugs?) but, that's a sidepoint. Though, ffffffff roflmao. But anyways! Point is. I'm coming into my own, finally.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm okay now. Or at least, better than I've ever been. It may be late, and I might be starting far behind from where I should be, but I'm finally beginning to start moving forwards again. I am, as best as I could be, okay. I no longer need an "anchor" to my sanity. At least, not an explicitly external one. I do however want you to remain my friend, if only so I can uphold my end of the promise. But I feel that at least for now, I have no right to ask that. Maybe you disagree, or maybe my (usually) rational mind is right and you do harbor some strong dislike towards me. This is probably just me giving myself too little credit again, but regardless of how far I've come, I can't shake the feeling that I hurt you tremendously. Maybe you can set me right on that, but I doubt it. If only for that though, I've begun to move forwards.
I'm okay now, and I'm going to get better. In order to begin to do that, I had to reluctantly release the anchor. And now it's been gone. I just hope I can earn your friendship and trust back.
ばか
Sunday, January 9, 2011
[R] Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low
(Had this been Closer - Lacuna Coil, I would have seriously retreated into a corner for a few days xD)
Ouch. I've laid off working off as heavily these past few days, and got bored of that so I went for an interestingly lulz routine today. Currently in a good amount of pain, but it'll subside shortly. It's a good pain though, after all, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" or however that bit of military propaganda goes. The Kingdom Hearts series has been highly lawlztastic thus far, so that's been taking up the remainder of my time. Well, that and learning to drive. About damn time amirite?
So, in about five days time I will be back at UT. And to be honest, I'm apprehensive and growing more paranoid by the second. Paranoid is perhaps not the right word for it, but such escapes me at the moment. If I had to choose something else to describe how I feel, it'd be afraid of the unknown. I can't shake this silly little rational judgement that's formed in my head that says once I get back to UT, nothing's going to change from how it was two months ago. Something tells me that everyone will forget I exist, and then I'll disappear from their thoughts and I'll go back to being a shut in. I want to fight it but because part of me feels that I shouldn't have those particular friends anyways, probably because I had to ask and shenanigan my way into being introduced to them (lolwut) and I really don't feel one should "ask" for friends. All of this kind of leads to me think I will go back to being foreveralone.jpg
And it's not like I'm actually alone, but there really is little replacement for physical contact. I know that I'm not alone, but that's really no comfort when I spend weeks or months at a time with no physical contact whatsoever. It's beyond selfish to think this way, I know, but sadly biology/chemistry backs me up here. But we'll see.
I'm really hoping that these conclusions of mine are false, and that my logic has gone screwy again. I really wish such was the case. But, until we're there I won't know. Until we're there I'll probably be scared. And afterwards... Who knows.
Why though? Why can't I shake this all-powerful dread? I find it hard to think about anything or even quite frankly remain awake without feeling this dreadful terror take hold of me and not let go. Why do I let it have such control over me? I've been trying so hard to craft myself. To craft who I am. Who I might be. How I might be happy. How I might escape this rut. But I'm either not trying hard enough or there's something I'm missing. I'm going to be strong when the time comes, I'm going to try, I'm not going to let the darkness take hold of me when it matters. But there's a huge difference between saying it, and actually doing it.
I hope my prediction are wrong. And if they turn out to be right, I hope I'm strong enough to carve the right path for myself.
バカタイチョ
Ouch. I've laid off working off as heavily these past few days, and got bored of that so I went for an interestingly lulz routine today. Currently in a good amount of pain, but it'll subside shortly. It's a good pain though, after all, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" or however that bit of military propaganda goes. The Kingdom Hearts series has been highly lawlztastic thus far, so that's been taking up the remainder of my time. Well, that and learning to drive. About damn time amirite?
So, in about five days time I will be back at UT. And to be honest, I'm apprehensive and growing more paranoid by the second. Paranoid is perhaps not the right word for it, but such escapes me at the moment. If I had to choose something else to describe how I feel, it'd be afraid of the unknown. I can't shake this silly little rational judgement that's formed in my head that says once I get back to UT, nothing's going to change from how it was two months ago. Something tells me that everyone will forget I exist, and then I'll disappear from their thoughts and I'll go back to being a shut in. I want to fight it but because part of me feels that I shouldn't have those particular friends anyways, probably because I had to ask and shenanigan my way into being introduced to them (lolwut) and I really don't feel one should "ask" for friends. All of this kind of leads to me think I will go back to being foreveralone.jpg
And it's not like I'm actually alone, but there really is little replacement for physical contact. I know that I'm not alone, but that's really no comfort when I spend weeks or months at a time with no physical contact whatsoever. It's beyond selfish to think this way, I know, but sadly biology/chemistry backs me up here. But we'll see.
I'm really hoping that these conclusions of mine are false, and that my logic has gone screwy again. I really wish such was the case. But, until we're there I won't know. Until we're there I'll probably be scared. And afterwards... Who knows.
Why though? Why can't I shake this all-powerful dread? I find it hard to think about anything or even quite frankly remain awake without feeling this dreadful terror take hold of me and not let go. Why do I let it have such control over me? I've been trying so hard to craft myself. To craft who I am. Who I might be. How I might be happy. How I might escape this rut. But I'm either not trying hard enough or there's something I'm missing. I'm going to be strong when the time comes, I'm going to try, I'm not going to let the darkness take hold of me when it matters. But there's a huge difference between saying it, and actually doing it.
I hope my prediction are wrong. And if they turn out to be right, I hope I'm strong enough to carve the right path for myself.
バカタイチョ
Saturday, January 8, 2011
[R] You're Cute When You Scream - Senses Fail
(Hah, Hah, HAH. FUCK. >_> For the record, I don't choose any of these on purpose? It's honestly whatever is playing when I hit the "New Post" button xD)
I mentioned in another post a key phrase: "Shatter the silence." Which quite frankly I think describes and symbolizes so much more than just that one particular situation.
Silence is, effectively, what I believe I have led my whole life shrouded in. I've never really been loud - inwardly I have been, and to two, three people I've been as loud as I want to be, but I still can't be heard, can't be me. The silence exists because I am, by circumstance or nature, introverted. It exists, because I lack something required to be "socially acceptable." It exists, because I am, or was, alone.
I can describe my life as me screaming inside a pitch black and sound-proof room. Screaming and yelling, wanting to be heard, wanting to know I matter, wanting to know that other people exist. And yet up until very recently, this room was all I knew. The Silence was my Truth. It was me.
And then college and shit happened and slowly the silence began to fade. Noises started seeping in, and my voice, out. Soon I realized that the silence was beginning to collapse. But, it wasn't all I expected it to be. It also wasn't an easy transition. It still isn't. I find myself stuck in these changing circumstances and no idea how to react. The silence, as it seems to disappear, in fact is simply changing forms. It used to be an utter silence, utter black out. Now it's simply silence of minds. I hear voices but not much else. I don't know the thoughts of others anymore, I've become concerned with trying to hear other's thoughts, with no success. Something I once thought myself capable of doing, it seems I can't anymore. I can't understand people anymore. I can't... Understand myself. When I relied on my own thoughts to tell me what laid behind the veils, I was content. I understood.
Now I can't quite seem to understand anything, and I am starting to feel the need to shatter the silence yet again. People are hearing me, but I can't hear them. I feel like, the silence needs to be cracked sooner or later. I just don't know how. And from this stems some of my current problems. Having so much to say and not be sure if I will be hear, and more importantly, being unsure if I'm capable of hearing myself. But now that I know what it's like to be heard, it's hard to hold myself back. To settle for self-inflicted silence. There's so much I want to say to so many people, I just don't know how to.
Oh Silence, how thou doth taunt me so.
ばかたいちょ
Friday, January 7, 2011
[R] Straw Dog - Something Corporate
(Hah. Hah. Hah. If my next post has the title I think it will, I will laugh so very hard)
So, I've been wrestling with the idea of editing a couple things here and there on this thing and then putting the link up somewhere on FB for the occasional straggler to stumble in and see what's up with me. As if anyone would check this voluntarily xD Either most people already know most of this shit from me talking to them, or don't give a shit, lawlz. We'll see where that goes, dunno quite yet whether or not it'd be smart, personal wishes aside.
Also, after having destroyed my body yet again, I've begun seriously wondering why the hell I'm doing this shit. I'm not the type of guy to really care about being that buff, nor would I have any use for an excess amount of physical strength. And I passed the point of working out healthily a few weeks back, right now it's anything but. And truthfully, cutting is less dangerous for myself than this shit. I really don't see why I need to subject myself to this shit any longer. Any intrinsic value I may have gotten from working out has long since lost it's shine, probably because the underlying causes that led to me working out no longer hold true.
Also, and rather more importantly than either of the past two points combined, today I found out Jess reads sixbillionsecrets.com? To which I started, quite understandably, to freak out. Why? A couple reasons. The first, and big one, is that I have, in the past month, submitted two secrets to SBS. Both about the... situation, and both were signed with nicknames that would have been rather easily noticeable by anyone who knew me, and even moreso by the person the god damn thing was about. Thankfully, they were never submitted, omg, would I be fucked if they were. Seriously. Actually, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it would have shattered the silence.
But this wasn't the only reason. It also kind of seemed to... push my opinion of her more towards a certain direction? Not a good or bad one, but more of... Feeling more guilty for being selfish and not helping her out. There was a three minute period in our conversation that night that I vividly remember, what was said, what it might have meant, and whether I should have been more selfish. I feel like, I should try to at least help her. I don't know how, I don't know if I'm in any position to help anyone really, but I dunno. I can't shake this unbelievably strong feeling that there's something important I'm missing, nonetheless.
Maybe it's just that she hates me? That'd be nice.
ばかたいちょ
[R] Emergency - Paramore
So, about a week left before I head back to UT, and over a week and a half since the wall-o-fail.
You know, I've never felt time this much? I mean granted, there's periods in my life where time just basically didn't exist for me, but never have I been so conscious of the flow of time. Never before have I been able to poke so much at my thoughts and actually follow a clear progression over time. Maybe because there's never been any progress to follow? Hah.
I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared. There are times when my gut instinct is still to run. Part of me still badly wants to say that my best option is to both test people that I have no right to test, and pull myself away. I say that I would be testing them, because in my mind that too would be a form of testing what one would call loyalty? And they would fail, because I know no other human being words like I do, for better of or worse, and I would end up alone again. Sadly, part of me wants to run away so bad. Run away from a group that I have no claim to. Run away from a life that I forced myself into, not knowing whether or not it was for me.
But I can't. I know that if I run, any chance I may ever have at changing will be for naught. So I can't run away. Maybe, over time I can pull myself away from the group and whatever protection it might offer me, but that would be a gradual process. One that wouldn't leave me back where I started. One that wouldn't lead to my 19th being my last... But I can't say I would mind that path. At least it's painless. But that would be me running away again. I can't run away. Not again. For once I need to hold my ground and see what happens. Take my hits head on and see how I fare the storm. At least once in my life, I should be a man.
But it's hard. It's so hard. It's hard for someone that views no inherent value in oneself. It's hard for someone who thinks there is little point to anything in life. Like Xenia and so many others have told me - I need to find an intrinsic form of self-worth. I need to stop relying on others to validate my existence. Oh, how I wish it were that easy. How I wish that I'll succeed at that this time.
How I wish, I wasn't a failure.
ばかたいちょ
Thursday, January 6, 2011
[R] This Valentine Ain't No Saint - The Juliana Theory
Warning: Rather graphic and depressing suicide note: http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller
So. I read through that and uhm, before I say anything else, there is one line I feel I have to quote?
"People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two"
I think truer words have probably never been spoken? Other than Einstein's well-known comments about stupid people. I really think that this is what it comes down and quite frankly this is why society deems suicide a bad thing. There is no inherent selfless action in Human Beings. We are incapable of selflessness because we just aren't wired up for such. And fighting to keep others alive is just as selfish as killing them. People want to avoid, above all, misfortune and harm to themselves. They are also controlled by society, because such is the nature of the Human animal. And in our society, we're supposed to be feel sadness when others pass, and if they kill themselves it's worse because somehow the blame falls on those closest to the person. What's the first words we hear when someone commits suicide? "Oh if I had known, I would have stopped them." or "If only I could have stopped them!" or etc. It's selfish. Some people do have absolute shitty luck. Some just can't handle life. And others are just plain stupid. But if living is painful to them, then, who the hell is being more selfish by keeping them alive?
Anyways, I really felt the need to say that. Not to say that it reflects my thoughts on my own suicide, but I've talked to people before who told me they might commit suicide and gave me perfectly legit reasons that to be honest, would have led me to the same conclusion as well. And you know what I've said to them? "If you really think that it's the best choice for you, just make sure you have as little regrets as possible." Thats it. Does that make me heartless? Maybe. Does that mean I wouldn't miss them? Hell no. But, if their lives are really that miserable, who am I to say a thing?
Ok, now that I've got that out of the way.
Reading it has had an awkward effect on me. If you're reading this, then you know that I've tried committing suicide myself in the past. And quite frankly, whether or not I intend to it or not, it's an action that always lingers around the back of my mind. It's never left me, nor have I ever given it up. It's just there. It's been there since I was 10, it's not likely to leave.
But, that's not what this is about. Kinda. Reading that note has kind of... startled me? Not because he committed suicide, but because he dealt with what happened to him for as long as he did, and he still pushed himself to be successful. He made something of himself despite all odds. That... deserves some respect. And then he had the courage and willpower to go through with it. To me, that deserves some kind of respect as well. And yet it kinda makes me look at myself and go "He put up with more shit than you do, and was still successful, what the bloody fuck do you have to show for yourself?" The answer is of course, nothing. It kinda pushes me in both directions because it depresses me further, but at the same time makes me want to /do something productive/ that will actually change something or affect even one person in a positive way before I think of doing it again... Dunno. I have no talents, I have no drive, I have no willpower, and I have no interest in anything, which I think is probably my biggest downfall and impediment towards being successful. I'm just not... cut out I guess.
ぜつぼうたいちょ
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
[R] Barbossa is Hungry - Hans Zimmer
(PotC soundtrack? Hell. Yes.)
So, to do something different and not emo, I wanted to go down the list of games I played in 2010 and rate them so bleh, here it goes. Every game listed I either played, or replayed, in 2010.
FPS Games:
Call of Duty (MW2 and BO) - 1/10: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh my fucking god, they are the same damn game just continously rehashed. PASS.
Bio Shock 2 - 1/10: Lolwut? Thought it'd fail less than the original. Nope.
Bad Company 2 - 3/10: Eh, better than CoD, but not by much. More of the same rehashed game.
L4D2 - 7/10: An improvement in some ways over it's prequel, and generically more enjoyable. Also, No Mercy in L4D2 made it awesome beyond words.
Borderlands - 6/10: Eh, not that bad a game, and gets points for originality. Gets boring after a while (like all FPS games) but it's not bad really.
Team Fortress 2 - 5/10: Resounding meh really. I've played worse, and at least I can stand it.
F.E.A.R. 2 - 9/10: Zombie sex and impregnation, and tentacle rape... Lolwut? xD
Metro 2033 - 8/10: A decent game really, got boring and repetitive (again, like all FPS games) but at least it was an interesting game with a lulzy plot.
Fall Out: New Vegas - 2/10: I fell asleep after an hour.
RTS Games:
Dawn of War 2 - FUUUUUUUUUUUCK/10: No game listed prior to this gets as much hate from me as this game does. Fail, on aids. All I really gotta say.
Starcraft 2 - 666/10: >_> Moving on
RPG Games:
Persona 3 FES - 9/10: Awesome music, plot, and mechanics. Woulda gotten a 10 had it not been for mother fucking Tartarus >_>
Persona 4 - 8/10: The music and overall plot and feeling of P3 is better, but this one had better mechanics and lost Tartarus so, doesn't lose that much in points.
Digital Devil Saga - 7/10: Again, the mechanics behind the game and the leveling system really are highly entertaining, the music is awesome and the plot is absolutely fantastic... But it's soooo much of a grindfest
Nocturne - 6/10: Eh, not as good as other SMT games, mediocre across the board but still highly entertaining.
Devil Survivor - 7/10: Enjoyable, interesting plot, and even more interesting gameplay made for an amusing game. Again, fuck the grinding though.
Strange Journey - ???/10: This was a return to SMT's origins in first person dungeon crawlers. It actually was quite fun to play, I enjoyed the plot and the characters, and it really is an overall good game. But FUCK THE GRINDING. Oh my fucking god, the grinding.
Etrian Oddysey - 1/10: Oh. My God. The grinding. The point of this game is to grind. TO FUCKING GRIND. LOLWUT?!
Final Fantasy X - 1/10: Tydus.
Final Fantasy VII - 6/10: Meh, not a bad game, couldn't even get a quarter of the way through it though
Chrono Trigger - 8/10: I finished it, which is saying a lot for JRPGs
Mass Effect 2 - 9/10: Although technically more FPS than it's predecessor, still falls under an RPG I'd say.
Dragon Age (O + A) - 8/10: WoW without the grinding, walking, and with fucking awesome characters and a plot.
Reccetear - 7/10: Not a bad time waster, to be honest.
Harvest Moon: Wind Bazaar - 3/10: I like Harvest moon games? But, vat ees dees sheet? Seriously.
Rune Factory - 7/10: Eh, originally I thought it was a bastardization of HM games, but it was actually quite fun and unique, which is saying something for harvest moon games.
Disgeaea 2 - 6/10: All it really had going for it was it's fucking amazing humor, that's all really.
Kingdom Hearts - 7/10: You know, I finished it? And it really wasn't...
Alpha Protocol - 8/10: I enjoyed it, fuck society >_>
Others:
Assassin's Creed (1 and 2) - 2/10: Oh my... what... a... failure...
Mirror's Edge - 10/10: <333333333333333333333333
Minecraft - Autism/10: >_>
Amnesia - 0/10: You know, horror games aren't supposed to put you to sleep...
たいちょ
So, to do something different and not emo, I wanted to go down the list of games I played in 2010 and rate them so bleh, here it goes. Every game listed I either played, or replayed, in 2010.
FPS Games:
Call of Duty (MW2 and BO) - 1/10: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh my fucking god, they are the same damn game just continously rehashed. PASS.
Bio Shock 2 - 1/10: Lolwut? Thought it'd fail less than the original. Nope.
Bad Company 2 - 3/10: Eh, better than CoD, but not by much. More of the same rehashed game.
L4D2 - 7/10: An improvement in some ways over it's prequel, and generically more enjoyable. Also, No Mercy in L4D2 made it awesome beyond words.
Borderlands - 6/10: Eh, not that bad a game, and gets points for originality. Gets boring after a while (like all FPS games) but it's not bad really.
Team Fortress 2 - 5/10: Resounding meh really. I've played worse, and at least I can stand it.
F.E.A.R. 2 - 9/10: Zombie sex and impregnation, and tentacle rape... Lolwut? xD
Metro 2033 - 8/10: A decent game really, got boring and repetitive (again, like all FPS games) but at least it was an interesting game with a lulzy plot.
Fall Out: New Vegas - 2/10: I fell asleep after an hour.
RTS Games:
Dawn of War 2 - FUUUUUUUUUUUCK/10: No game listed prior to this gets as much hate from me as this game does. Fail, on aids. All I really gotta say.
Starcraft 2 - 666/10: >_> Moving on
RPG Games:
Persona 3 FES - 9/10: Awesome music, plot, and mechanics. Woulda gotten a 10 had it not been for mother fucking Tartarus >_>
Persona 4 - 8/10: The music and overall plot and feeling of P3 is better, but this one had better mechanics and lost Tartarus so, doesn't lose that much in points.
Digital Devil Saga - 7/10: Again, the mechanics behind the game and the leveling system really are highly entertaining, the music is awesome and the plot is absolutely fantastic... But it's soooo much of a grindfest
Nocturne - 6/10: Eh, not as good as other SMT games, mediocre across the board but still highly entertaining.
Devil Survivor - 7/10: Enjoyable, interesting plot, and even more interesting gameplay made for an amusing game. Again, fuck the grinding though.
Strange Journey - ???/10: This was a return to SMT's origins in first person dungeon crawlers. It actually was quite fun to play, I enjoyed the plot and the characters, and it really is an overall good game. But FUCK THE GRINDING. Oh my fucking god, the grinding.
Etrian Oddysey - 1/10: Oh. My God. The grinding. The point of this game is to grind. TO FUCKING GRIND. LOLWUT?!
Final Fantasy X - 1/10: Tydus.
Final Fantasy VII - 6/10: Meh, not a bad game, couldn't even get a quarter of the way through it though
Chrono Trigger - 8/10: I finished it, which is saying a lot for JRPGs
Mass Effect 2 - 9/10: Although technically more FPS than it's predecessor, still falls under an RPG I'd say.
Dragon Age (O + A) - 8/10: WoW without the grinding, walking, and with fucking awesome characters and a plot.
Reccetear - 7/10: Not a bad time waster, to be honest.
Harvest Moon: Wind Bazaar - 3/10: I like Harvest moon games? But, vat ees dees sheet? Seriously.
Rune Factory - 7/10: Eh, originally I thought it was a bastardization of HM games, but it was actually quite fun and unique, which is saying something for harvest moon games.
Disgeaea 2 - 6/10: All it really had going for it was it's fucking amazing humor, that's all really.
Kingdom Hearts - 7/10: You know, I finished it? And it really wasn't...
Alpha Protocol - 8/10: I enjoyed it, fuck society >_>
Others:
Assassin's Creed (1 and 2) - 2/10: Oh my... what... a... failure...
Mirror's Edge - 10/10: <333333333333333333333333
Minecraft - Autism/10: >_>
Amnesia - 0/10: You know, horror games aren't supposed to put you to sleep...
たいちょ
Saturday, January 1, 2011
[R] Closing Time - Semisonic
Goodbye, 2010.
Before anything else, this is going to be a fucking /huge/ post which will detail more than I can bother summarizing, leave now if you'll get ADD halfway through, roflmao.
K so, where to start with this one hell of a year? I stated multiple times in my last blog that this year was one hell of a roller coaster. From the start right up until the very end, it's been nothing but a constant string of wtf-tastic events. Oddly enough though, this year started and ended with Xenia, so it makes sense to start the story there.
I remember that when 2010 started, Xenia and I had just begun talking once again. I had made up some sort of lulzy excuse to get back in her good graces and was fansubbing for her and it was... amusing. I gotta say, she may be psychotic (<3) but, she sure as hell knows how to keep things interesting. I remember going through various phases when I believed I liked her, and then it always kinda derped out after a week or two of emoing out about it. But, at this particular point in time (January, 2010) I was kinda just braindead, the only things on my vent being my AP classes, vent, and other massive bs that decided to creep it's ugly head back out of the netherworld.
And then school started back up, and it was largely bleh up until around early march? Of course, I say the year was a rollercoaster for a reason, and during this time lots of bs drama occurred on vent which kept me nicely entertained. Also, the AnimeDystopia-BakaWolf garbage happened around this time if memory served right, and that made for an amusing few weeks. Oh yeah, and something that can be summed up cleanly as not fun shit happened at the start of march, yar, that is what that is.
But towards midmarch something started happening I've noticed. The shells that made me into the shyest mother fucker around seemed to start dying, and the next month would be filled with semi-social amusement followed by a whole lot of me being a gigantic fool. I think between the time of April 25th and June 8th, I went through... what three, four crushes? Yeah. I'm over simplyfing things, maybe, but in retrospect thats how things look to be honest, although the blog that curiously spans that exact time frame says it was a pretty big deal for me, but hey, such is life xD Then summer was particularly boring, and vent kept me occupied throughout...
And then came college. And thats all I'm saying about that. Retrospect still won't allow me a clear picture on this past first semester so I'll wait before I pass judgement or even attempt to tackle it all.
But, basically, 2010 has been one hell of a year for me? Rollercoaster doesn't quite even begin to explain it, and doesn't even remotely capture all the nuances of these past 365 days. I remember Vanessa telling me: "Adolescence sucks man, everything feels like a big deal and just... Man it sucks to be you!" a few weeks ago, and quite frankly, I agree with her, but just with what it generically means? Adolescence is one hell of a time in general, I'd assume. And for someone that is seemingly growing up into adolescence at 18, it can be pretty amusingly terrible.
I really badly want to say that a lot of lessons have been learned, but either I cant, or it's too early for me to say that. Earlier opportunities I had to prove that I had benefited from my experience showed that I had in fact, not. I didn't seem to learn my lessons time and time again, but each time I didn't really consider them such. Looking back though, this year has been nothing but a giant example of "what not to do" so I'm hoping next year is at least slightly better. Or at least, I don't repeat the same mistakes as many times as I did.
Kind of can't help but hope that it gets better, and at least next year I learn to enjoy myself. That's kind of my new years resolution honestly? Be Happy. Thats all. And for someone like me, that's really the hardest thing I could ask of myself, but we'll see.
ばかたいちょ
Before anything else, this is going to be a fucking /huge/ post which will detail more than I can bother summarizing, leave now if you'll get ADD halfway through, roflmao.
K so, where to start with this one hell of a year? I stated multiple times in my last blog that this year was one hell of a roller coaster. From the start right up until the very end, it's been nothing but a constant string of wtf-tastic events. Oddly enough though, this year started and ended with Xenia, so it makes sense to start the story there.
I remember that when 2010 started, Xenia and I had just begun talking once again. I had made up some sort of lulzy excuse to get back in her good graces and was fansubbing for her and it was... amusing. I gotta say, she may be psychotic (<3) but, she sure as hell knows how to keep things interesting. I remember going through various phases when I believed I liked her, and then it always kinda derped out after a week or two of emoing out about it. But, at this particular point in time (January, 2010) I was kinda just braindead, the only things on my vent being my AP classes, vent, and other massive bs that decided to creep it's ugly head back out of the netherworld.
And then school started back up, and it was largely bleh up until around early march? Of course, I say the year was a rollercoaster for a reason, and during this time lots of bs drama occurred on vent which kept me nicely entertained. Also, the AnimeDystopia-BakaWolf garbage happened around this time if memory served right, and that made for an amusing few weeks. Oh yeah, and something that can be summed up cleanly as not fun shit happened at the start of march, yar, that is what that is.
But towards midmarch something started happening I've noticed. The shells that made me into the shyest mother fucker around seemed to start dying, and the next month would be filled with semi-social amusement followed by a whole lot of me being a gigantic fool. I think between the time of April 25th and June 8th, I went through... what three, four crushes? Yeah. I'm over simplyfing things, maybe, but in retrospect thats how things look to be honest, although the blog that curiously spans that exact time frame says it was a pretty big deal for me, but hey, such is life xD Then summer was particularly boring, and vent kept me occupied throughout...
And then came college. And thats all I'm saying about that. Retrospect still won't allow me a clear picture on this past first semester so I'll wait before I pass judgement or even attempt to tackle it all.
But, basically, 2010 has been one hell of a year for me? Rollercoaster doesn't quite even begin to explain it, and doesn't even remotely capture all the nuances of these past 365 days. I remember Vanessa telling me: "Adolescence sucks man, everything feels like a big deal and just... Man it sucks to be you!" a few weeks ago, and quite frankly, I agree with her, but just with what it generically means? Adolescence is one hell of a time in general, I'd assume. And for someone that is seemingly growing up into adolescence at 18, it can be pretty amusingly terrible.
I really badly want to say that a lot of lessons have been learned, but either I cant, or it's too early for me to say that. Earlier opportunities I had to prove that I had benefited from my experience showed that I had in fact, not. I didn't seem to learn my lessons time and time again, but each time I didn't really consider them such. Looking back though, this year has been nothing but a giant example of "what not to do" so I'm hoping next year is at least slightly better. Or at least, I don't repeat the same mistakes as many times as I did.
Kind of can't help but hope that it gets better, and at least next year I learn to enjoy myself. That's kind of my new years resolution honestly? Be Happy. Thats all. And for someone like me, that's really the hardest thing I could ask of myself, but we'll see.
ばかたいちょ
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