Dear S,
Bro... Can I run? I know you're tired of listening to me, and I know that if you hear me complaining about something that already pisses you off you'd probably shank me, but I'm lost. I don't want to do man. Seriously? I find myself unable to keep a straight thought for the life of me. I can't act in a consistent manner, I can't even move in such. I know you think I'm a hypocrite for pursuing the choices I do, and that's fine. But I really do think that somewhere in this chaos I find myself neck-deep in, lies the solution to my problems.
But I fear it's already left me. I fear it's too late to get out. And I fear what will happen once I'm fully submerged. I know I've changed a lot, or it might seem such at least, but I really don't think I've changed at all. I can't say no to anyone who asks for my help. I can't say no to anyone who wants to do something, and I can't run away properly. I know you're probably laughing at me right now, but that's seriously how it is. It's not that you guys aren't as important to me, because that's not the case, and I do very much miss talking to all of you on vent... I can't really put it into words why I relentlessly pursue this course, or why I refuse to allow myself to run away...
Actually, I think I know the answer to the last one. I refuse to let myself run away because I want a reason to cry. I run forwards headfirst into battle, already knowing that what lays ahead of me is a cliff. All that will ever lay in front of me is a cliff, and so I run forwards towards it, lying to myself. I could stop, turn around, and run away. But I'd just be running off a different cliff. I decided that for once, I'm not going to confine myself to this island of misery I'm on, and I'm going to see what really lies beyond the cliffs.
To be fair, I just really want someone to stop me and just tell me it'll be ok. That I'll be ok. But that role falls unto very specific individuals, none of which will tell me such a thing. Because they know it's not ok. Because they can't lie to me. Because they inherently know what my ultimate goal is, and know that any other option is an act in futility...
Oh but how I wish someone cared enough to try to stop me. And not online, because I know that a few of you would try your best to stop me. And I love you for it. But we've already established that there's very little replacement for the physical comfort of having someone there. Someone to physically stop you. But that's not my lot is it? These social groups I've made myself a part of, I can see very much through them. I understand now many things you told me once upon a time, and in fact still tell me. About not fitting in, about feeling out of place even among those who wold call themselves your friends. I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything I can do either... I'm scared.
Also, that one day you told me not to do something stupid, I didn't. I found a way to deal with an issue I did need to deal with, without pulling an all-in like I was planning. Thanks. And I don't know why this is aimed at you, this is barely about you... But you're probably the only person ever who would understand me...
ばかおにいさん
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