[R] You're Cute When You Scream - Senses Fail

(Hah, Hah, HAH. FUCK. >_> For the record, I don't choose any of these on purpose? It's honestly whatever is playing when I hit the "New Post" button xD)

I mentioned in another post a key phrase: "Shatter the silence." Which quite frankly I think describes and symbolizes so much more than just that one particular situation.

Silence is, effectively, what I believe I have led my whole life shrouded in. I've never really been loud - inwardly I have been, and to two, three people I've been as loud as I want to be, but I still can't be heard, can't be me. The silence exists because I am, by circumstance or nature, introverted. It exists, because I lack something required to be "socially acceptable." It exists, because I am, or was, alone.

I can describe my life as me screaming inside a pitch black and sound-proof room. Screaming and yelling, wanting to be heard, wanting to know I matter, wanting to know that other people exist. And yet up until very recently, this room was all I knew. The Silence was my Truth. It was me.

And then college and shit happened and slowly the silence began to fade. Noises started seeping in, and my voice, out. Soon I realized that the silence was beginning to collapse. But, it wasn't all I expected it to be. It also wasn't an easy transition. It still isn't. I find myself stuck in these changing circumstances and no idea how to react. The silence, as it seems to disappear, in fact is simply changing forms. It used to be an utter silence, utter black out. Now it's simply silence of minds. I hear voices but not much else. I don't know the thoughts of others anymore, I've become concerned with trying to hear other's thoughts, with no success. Something I once thought myself capable of doing, it seems I can't anymore. I can't understand people anymore. I can't... Understand myself. When I relied on my own thoughts to tell me what laid behind the veils, I was content. I understood.

Now I can't quite seem to understand anything, and I am starting to feel the need to shatter the silence yet again. People are hearing me, but I can't hear them. I feel like, the silence needs to be cracked sooner or later. I just don't know how. And from this stems some of my current problems. Having so much to say and not be sure if I will be hear, and more importantly, being unsure if I'm capable of hearing myself. But now that I know what it's like to be heard, it's hard to hold myself back. To settle for self-inflicted silence. There's so much I want to say to so many people, I just don't know how to.

Oh Silence, how thou doth taunt me so.

ばかたいちょ