So, I've been wrestling with the idea of editing a couple things here and there on this thing and then putting the link up somewhere on FB for the occasional straggler to stumble in and see what's up with me. As if anyone would check this voluntarily xD Either most people already know most of this shit from me talking to them, or don't give a shit, lawlz. We'll see where that goes, dunno quite yet whether or not it'd be smart, personal wishes aside.
Also, after having destroyed my body yet again, I've begun seriously wondering why the hell I'm doing this shit. I'm not the type of guy to really care about being that buff, nor would I have any use for an excess amount of physical strength. And I passed the point of working out healthily a few weeks back, right now it's anything but. And truthfully, cutting is less dangerous for myself than this shit. I really don't see why I need to subject myself to this shit any longer. Any intrinsic value I may have gotten from working out has long since lost it's shine, probably because the underlying causes that led to me working out no longer hold true.
Also, and rather more importantly than either of the past two points combined, today I found out Jess reads sixbillionsecrets.com? To which I started, quite understandably, to freak out. Why? A couple reasons. The first, and big one, is that I have, in the past month, submitted two secrets to SBS. Both about the... situation, and both were signed with nicknames that would have been rather easily noticeable by anyone who knew me, and even moreso by the person the god damn thing was about. Thankfully, they were never submitted, omg, would I be fucked if they were. Seriously. Actually, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it would have shattered the silence.
But this wasn't the only reason. It also kind of seemed to... push my opinion of her more towards a certain direction? Not a good or bad one, but more of... Feeling more guilty for being selfish and not helping her out. There was a three minute period in our conversation that night that I vividly remember, what was said, what it might have meant, and whether I should have been more selfish. I feel like, I should try to at least help her. I don't know how, I don't know if I'm in any position to help anyone really, but I dunno. I can't shake this unbelievably strong feeling that there's something important I'm missing, nonetheless.
Maybe it's just that she hates me? That'd be nice.
ばかたいちょ
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