So. I read through that and uhm, before I say anything else, there is one line I feel I have to quote?
"People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two"
I think truer words have probably never been spoken? Other than Einstein's well-known comments about stupid people. I really think that this is what it comes down and quite frankly this is why society deems suicide a bad thing. There is no inherent selfless action in Human Beings. We are incapable of selflessness because we just aren't wired up for such. And fighting to keep others alive is just as selfish as killing them. People want to avoid, above all, misfortune and harm to themselves. They are also controlled by society, because such is the nature of the Human animal. And in our society, we're supposed to be feel sadness when others pass, and if they kill themselves it's worse because somehow the blame falls on those closest to the person. What's the first words we hear when someone commits suicide? "Oh if I had known, I would have stopped them." or "If only I could have stopped them!" or etc. It's selfish. Some people do have absolute shitty luck. Some just can't handle life. And others are just plain stupid. But if living is painful to them, then, who the hell is being more selfish by keeping them alive?
Anyways, I really felt the need to say that. Not to say that it reflects my thoughts on my own suicide, but I've talked to people before who told me they might commit suicide and gave me perfectly legit reasons that to be honest, would have led me to the same conclusion as well. And you know what I've said to them? "If you really think that it's the best choice for you, just make sure you have as little regrets as possible." Thats it. Does that make me heartless? Maybe. Does that mean I wouldn't miss them? Hell no. But, if their lives are really that miserable, who am I to say a thing?
Ok, now that I've got that out of the way.
Reading it has had an awkward effect on me. If you're reading this, then you know that I've tried committing suicide myself in the past. And quite frankly, whether or not I intend to it or not, it's an action that always lingers around the back of my mind. It's never left me, nor have I ever given it up. It's just there. It's been there since I was 10, it's not likely to leave.
But, that's not what this is about. Kinda. Reading that note has kind of... startled me? Not because he committed suicide, but because he dealt with what happened to him for as long as he did, and he still pushed himself to be successful. He made something of himself despite all odds. That... deserves some respect. And then he had the courage and willpower to go through with it. To me, that deserves some kind of respect as well. And yet it kinda makes me look at myself and go "He put up with more shit than you do, and was still successful, what the bloody fuck do you have to show for yourself?" The answer is of course, nothing. It kinda pushes me in both directions because it depresses me further, but at the same time makes me want to /do something productive/ that will actually change something or affect even one person in a positive way before I think of doing it again... Dunno. I have no talents, I have no drive, I have no willpower, and I have no interest in anything, which I think is probably my biggest downfall and impediment towards being successful. I'm just not... cut out I guess.
ぜつぼうたいちょ
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