[R] Emergency - Paramore

So, about a week left before I head back to UT, and over a week and a half since the wall-o-fail.

You know, I've never felt time this much? I mean granted, there's periods in my life where time just basically didn't exist for me, but never have I been so conscious of the flow of time. Never before have I been able to poke so much at my thoughts and actually follow a clear progression over time. Maybe because there's never been any progress to follow? Hah.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared. There are times when my gut instinct is still to run. Part of me still badly wants to say that my best option is to both test people that I have no right to test, and pull myself away. I say that I would be testing them, because in my mind that too would be a form of testing what one would call loyalty? And they would fail, because I know no other human being words like I do, for better of or worse, and I would end up alone again. Sadly, part of me wants to run away so bad. Run away from a group that I have no claim to. Run away from a life that I forced myself into, not knowing whether or not it was for me.

But I can't. I know that if I run, any chance I may ever have at changing will be for naught. So I can't run away. Maybe, over time I can pull myself away from the group and whatever protection it might offer me, but that would be a gradual process. One that wouldn't leave me back where I started. One that wouldn't lead to my 19th being my last... But I can't say I would mind that path. At least it's painless. But that would be me running away again. I can't run away. Not again. For once I need to hold my ground and see what happens. Take my hits head on and see how I fare the storm. At least once in my life, I should be a man.

But it's hard. It's so hard. It's hard for someone that views no inherent value in oneself. It's hard for someone who thinks there is little point to anything in life. Like Xenia and so many others have told me - I need to find an intrinsic form of self-worth. I need to stop relying on others to validate my existence. Oh, how I wish it were that easy. How I wish that I'll succeed at that this time.

How I wish, I wasn't a failure.

ばかたいちょ