(Had this been Closer - Lacuna Coil, I would have seriously retreated into a corner for a few days xD)
Ouch. I've laid off working off as heavily these past few days, and got bored of that so I went for an interestingly lulz routine today. Currently in a good amount of pain, but it'll subside shortly. It's a good pain though, after all, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" or however that bit of military propaganda goes. The Kingdom Hearts series has been highly lawlztastic thus far, so that's been taking up the remainder of my time. Well, that and learning to drive. About damn time amirite?
So, in about five days time I will be back at UT. And to be honest, I'm apprehensive and growing more paranoid by the second. Paranoid is perhaps not the right word for it, but such escapes me at the moment. If I had to choose something else to describe how I feel, it'd be afraid of the unknown. I can't shake this silly little rational judgement that's formed in my head that says once I get back to UT, nothing's going to change from how it was two months ago. Something tells me that everyone will forget I exist, and then I'll disappear from their thoughts and I'll go back to being a shut in. I want to fight it but because part of me feels that I shouldn't have those particular friends anyways, probably because I had to ask and shenanigan my way into being introduced to them (lolwut) and I really don't feel one should "ask" for friends. All of this kind of leads to me think I will go back to being foreveralone.jpg
And it's not like I'm actually alone, but there really is little replacement for physical contact. I know that I'm not alone, but that's really no comfort when I spend weeks or months at a time with no physical contact whatsoever. It's beyond selfish to think this way, I know, but sadly biology/chemistry backs me up here. But we'll see.
I'm really hoping that these conclusions of mine are false, and that my logic has gone screwy again. I really wish such was the case. But, until we're there I won't know. Until we're there I'll probably be scared. And afterwards... Who knows.
Why though? Why can't I shake this all-powerful dread? I find it hard to think about anything or even quite frankly remain awake without feeling this dreadful terror take hold of me and not let go. Why do I let it have such control over me? I've been trying so hard to craft myself. To craft who I am. Who I might be. How I might be happy. How I might escape this rut. But I'm either not trying hard enough or there's something I'm missing. I'm going to be strong when the time comes, I'm going to try, I'm not going to let the darkness take hold of me when it matters. But there's a huge difference between saying it, and actually doing it.
I hope my prediction are wrong. And if they turn out to be right, I hope I'm strong enough to carve the right path for myself.
バカタイチョ
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