Its been, oh say, two weeks now? Fun. Where to start? Uh, that is a good question. Let's start in the now and work our way backwards, shall we?
Or not. All attempts at writing something are roughly turning into no more than a summary of events in a reverse-chronological manner with no real explanation or feelings behind it, so it's not going to happen. After all, the point of this blog is to log my feelings and thoughts, not my every little move.
A realization I made the other day was as depressing as it was enlightening, but one that in the long run is probably detrimental to my well being. Once upon a time I believed that the solution to all my problems, the fact that I was an outcast and didn't quite have a place in life would be fixed by being social and finding people to hang out with and establish a physical closeness. Well, its here, and guess what? Fail and aids. It keeps me busy enough often times to prevent the existential bullshit from cropping up as often as it could, but it's still there because the problem is inherently there.
Out of everyone I hang out with, maybe only three or four I really consider to have anything real in common with. People I can maybe begin to call friends. But I know two of them are incredibly wary of my existence and keep me at bay - which quite frankly I don't blame them for, at all. It's kind of a shitty realization though. Realizing that no matter what, one will never really fit in. There may be odd individuals here and there that one might find to be pleasant company, but that's about it. The inherent fact that other than these few, scattered, individuals, nobody will ever really understand or care about entities like myself.
Alongside this revelation, the presence of time became very real once again. The fact that, when time is added to the equation, maybe all of two people will ever be able to tolerate me. The realistic presentation of the absolute futility of all actions kind of makes it hard to function at this point in time. Which really does make me laugh to an extent, because I've fought pretty hard to get to where I am, how I am, the person that I am. And now that I'm starting to make real progress, I'm coming to understand the absolute futility of it all. Counter-productive thoughts, go!
Debating whether or not the best option for me is to run back into my hermit hole, focus on school and my own shenanigans and just let the world fall to pieces around me. The only reason I haven't done it is because those rare moments that are actually fun (All of which relate to cosplaying, anime, or things around those lines, sadly) keep me going. Those few events, regardless of how rare and unlikely they are, just make everything so worthwhile that it adds the counter argument of "It's not the ending that matters, but how you got there" into the mix. It is, however, a very weak argument with very poor backing.
I really do believe I am inherently the problem. Not just my own problem, but the problem of all those around me.
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