(Addendum to the prior one)
Dear Jess,
Hey, it's me again. It appears that two and a half weeks were better for me than I expected. The total month away from all the shenanigans gave me enough time to bring myself back to reality. It was also enough to straighten me out in a variety of ways, for now.
I can't say that I'm fixed for good. I can't say that a few months from now I won't be an emo piece of shit again. But I can say that for now, I've begun to move forward. There seems to be this deadly cycle in my life that I'm going to try to break now. I'm not going to run away, I'm going to tackle them head on with a clear head and eyes on the future. It's funny though, as hellish as this past month has been on my mind, it really was for the best. Never before in my life have I gotten this cool down time. Never before have I had the ability to sit back and just think about wtf is going on before proceeding.
But I've had that opportunity now, and I've no intention of letting it go to waste. I've come to terms that, ok so maybe we're not as close as I'd like, but that's ok. Reality doesn't work over night. It's a gradual process. In more ways than one. A lot of my craziness seems to have settled down by now and I can honestly say: I have little fucking clue what the fuck was going through my god-forsaken head at the time. Which is good. It means that I've made at least some progress for now.
Of course, I'm not saying that there's not massive amounts of derp in my head. Nor am I saying that it's not full of fuck - 'cause it is. Kinda goes with the territory of being intuitive and over-analyzing things to a fault. But at least I hope that I'm capable of handling it now. Words are cheap after all. And with me, when I'm infinitely more fluent with the pen than I am with the sword, they tend to come even cheaper. So I guess now comes the true trials. But I'm not afraid of them. Either I've already broken the cycle, or it's returned back to it's starting point, and although the latter is more likely, regardless of the situation, I should be fine.
Somewhere down the line it seems you were more effective at throwing me into the group than you thought, as currently it seems that I've begun to carve out my own niche in the group quite nicely, but I can't help but feel somehow guilty about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't second guess my "entrance" into the group if you will, but I can't run away. I'm probably being selfish by sticking around. But whether or not you realize it, it was probably one of the biggest things you did to help me, introduce me to the group, and I'm not about to let your effort go to waste. That said, I do feel guilty about it because quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you and I never even reach the level of friends again. There seems to be something maliciously ironic about that which tends to rear it's ugly head now and again. But if I pulled away now I'd be running away from both my problems and the solution to them. So I'm not going to run.
I might come into my own eventually and slowly pull away. Although currently I can't see that, if I do manage to somehow become uberly extroverted (as if xDDDDDDDDDDDDD) then I might slowly transfer myself out of the group for the sake of giving you peace of mind.
If you can't tell already, I think it's somehow changed to whatever it was before, to a more healthy guilt-with-a-purpose, if you will. I still don't think I have the right to talk to you, but I'm going to try to earn it. I remember the promise I made with you, and although you may not, I am going to try to make good on all parts of it... If I can, and you let me. Although derp shit was kinda derpy and to be frank I won't be surprised if you don't ever let me ^_^
I've also started to find... myself? I guess you could say. You said everyone had a purpose on this earth. At the time I honestly believed mines was to cause people naught but pain, and to be quite frank I believed that for years. But. That's not true. I'm not all too sure of what and who I am just yet. But I'll get there eventually. I've started to find positive traits in myself though! I've begun to understand that just maybe I do have redeeming qualities after all. The hate for myself is subsiding. Definitely.
The cry for help (read: cutting) worked and backfired and then worked again and derp. But I do have to admit one thing - there's a limit to the things one can do alone. But I'm not alone. I haven't been for years. I was just too stupid to see that. 'Course, I still have no one to hug (did I mention you're awesome at giving hugs?) but, that's a sidepoint. Though, ffffffff roflmao. But anyways! Point is. I'm coming into my own, finally.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm okay now. Or at least, better than I've ever been. It may be late, and I might be starting far behind from where I should be, but I'm finally beginning to start moving forwards again. I am, as best as I could be, okay. I no longer need an "anchor" to my sanity. At least, not an explicitly external one. I do however want you to remain my friend, if only so I can uphold my end of the promise. But I feel that at least for now, I have no right to ask that. Maybe you disagree, or maybe my (usually) rational mind is right and you do harbor some strong dislike towards me. This is probably just me giving myself too little credit again, but regardless of how far I've come, I can't shake the feeling that I hurt you tremendously. Maybe you can set me right on that, but I doubt it. If only for that though, I've begun to move forwards.
I'm okay now, and I'm going to get better. In order to begin to do that, I had to reluctantly release the anchor. And now it's been gone. I just hope I can earn your friendship and trust back.
ばか
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