So It Turns Out...

So It Turns Out...

That I’m an Absolutely Terrible

• Friend
• Son
• Man
• Boyfriend
• Confidante
• “Best Friend”
• Shoulder To Cry On
• Student
• Teacher
• Administrator
• Worker
• Moderator
• Planner
• Musician
• Artist
• Writer
• Reader
• Fan
• etc.

To sum it all up, I’m a terrible human being.

Yay Me!

Meh

I've suffered from Depression my whole life. I've always been uber derp.

But before I was never happy. I didn't know what happiness was. Ever.

But now I do. I know what happiness is. I know what it feels like to be alone.

And the pain is only that much more powerful.

Poem

Here's a poem I wrote a while back about Tori...


Your smile was what began it all.

That smile of yours
It used to be able to stop
All of existence and leave me
In a constant euphoria.

That smile of yours used
to be able to turn my world
upside down, no matter the
circumstance.

That smile of yours worked
its way into my heart and left
an imprint of itself there, forever.
It started all of it.

The smile grew brighter at first.
We made it better for a while,
and it was enough to send me headfirst
into a world where I knew happiness.

But now that same smile destroys me.
It leaves me in shambles and crawling
back to a past that will never return.
And I will never be the same.

The smile that would so brighten my day
Is now a constant reminder of what was,
and what will never be. A constant reminder
that I will never be enough.

Now you smile less than you used to,
or at least you do so around me.
And what does arise, is nothing but a
hollow shell of what was there.

But then I see you around others,
your smile as great as it was before
and even at times I catch that same smile
You used to give me.

Only now it's not mines.
Now it's proof that I will forever lose.
Proof that I was nothing to you.
Proof that you will never be happy around me again.

Now you smile for him,
Now you smile for everyone else,
Even in front of me you smile for him,
and it sends me back into despair every time.

So I must bid you adieu, my love.
Where love once bloomed,
now poison scatters the ground,
killing all it touches.

For both of our sakes, we part,
but as you forget me,
I will never forget you.
You will never leave my heart.

I turn my back and walk away as you do the same.
But I look back every few steps.
Making sure you're ok,
praying you're looking back to.

But you're not.
And it's over.
Never again will
I know that smile.

The smile that started and ended it all.
I love you.

Tori

Tori. I can't decide whether I'd be better off fully removing you from my life or not. I love you. You don't. I want you in my life so much. I miss you more than even I want to admit. It hurts so much. I can't handle the pain. You have no idea how much it hurts. Please. Someone. SOMEONE.

Tori. I need a friend. I need your friendship. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of wanting you. I don't know which pain is worse. The pain of not having you in my life at all, or having you in my life and not having you as mine. I don't know but right now the pain is telling me anything is better than this. I cry over you all the time and it only gets worse with time. I miss you more and more.

Why do you hate me so much? I... Don't deserve this Tori. I really don't. What did I do for you to hate me this much? Ok fine. I was an idiot. Oh god I was an idiot. I'm sorry! Please. Please. Just... It hurts. SO much. Oh god it hurts but still. Please. Just.

Geez. I'm crying again. I wish I could stop the tears.

It feels like I've lost a part of me. I feel like some strong part of me has outright died. And I know I'll never get over it. I wish things weren't this painful. I wish circumstances didn't make you so utterly painful to think about. Please Tori. Please...

Geez how fucking pathetic am I? Crying and yelling into the middle of the night over the same damn thing that I have been for weeks now with no end in sight. Why can't I move on?! Why do I have to care about you this much?! Why did you dig yourself so deep into my being so quick? Why did you crit. me?

I'm much too weak. Much too fragile. I couldn't handle it. It sucks.

But never again. I can't even begin to think about caring for anyone else. So I guess that means I'm strong now? I'm never going to cry over anyone else ever again.. Thank you I guess...

It's retarded but you really are probably the only thing I have closest to a friend anymore. Sure there are others who care, but no one I feel like I can talk to. I've alienated everyone, even you. Right now the only thing that remains is a memory of you. A ghost. A ghost is all I have.

It feels like I'm trying to move forwards with gravity at 1000000% It's just not working out and it only hurts like hell.

But i have no other option do I...

fuck...

someone help me please.

Stop

Please. Just stop.

Can the pain please just stop. Please. I can't.

Can the memories be erased? Remembering is so painful

Can my mind be stopped? Thinking hurts.

Can my emotions have never existed? They weren't worth it.

The tears need to stop. The pain needs to stop. I need to forget her...

FUCK

FUCK MY LIFE

My dreams just turned against me in the worst possible way. I just had a nightmare that resulted in me waking up covered in ten pounds of sweat, bawling my eyes out. What was it? Tori decided to cut me out of her life for good and made it literally impossible for me to talk to her. That's all. That broke me down that badly.

It hurts the most because she's my last and frankly only hope at a true friend. And yet I know it's never going to happen.

And that's all I need really. A really good friend. That's all I need adn I can deal with this depression but I have nothing. Nothing at all.

I can't do this for much longer. every passing day this depression gets worse and my mind only conspires to make it worse. Why? Just... Why

I'm tired and I can't do this. My body is just not going to let me get through this.

I. Need. Help. Someone. PLEASE.

I'm too alone. I can't do this.

Lost

This whole being strong for myself thing? Ain't working. It ain't working when nobody cares about me. When all I do is fuck things up. When no matter what everything fails.

I'm scared. I'm lost. I'm confused.

And tori... tori is only a reminder that my life sucks and that im worthless... i can't

nobody can deal iwth life alone.... i cant.. im...

somebody please save me. somebody please help me. please

Rebooting

After a month and a half I'm rebooting this. I'll change the layout soon and see if I can't archive all the old posts.

I'm miserable. I'm lost. I'm afraid. I'm confused. And more than anything, I'm perfectly alone. Lonely. I have nobody left, nobody. No true friends. No one can listen to me. Not even me. I don't deserve help, I deserve death.

I'm so confused, I'm so lost, I'm so empty, I'm so broken, and I don't know why...

And it hurts. It hurts so much. Please. I just want the pain to stop. Please. Please, someone, help me stop the pain. I can't do this much longer... It scares me that I cry as much as I do, it scares me that I can't hold it back. It all hurts and scares and just...

tasukete

[D] April 8th, 2011

Huh. Today was... Fun.

Slept in, ate, went to a doctor's appointment, or rather accompanied Domenic to his, played pool, grabbed dinner, chilled in my room, went on a date with the gf, got back at midnight, life.

Fun night really. Tori... I wonder if she'll ever realize exactly what I feel for her, to what intensity, and how genuine it is. For that matter, I wonder if I'll ever truly understand how badly I've fallen for it. It's not this wild MUST HAVE, it's more of a mellow, intimate, honest, love-to-be-around. Whether it is in the same room or holding hands, her presence just... Intoxicating. I change. For the better, I believe. Now my goal is to be able to make these external changes (note: internally she just allows me to be... myself) permanent. I want to be a better person, not for her neccesary, but for me. I want to become a better person so I can be as proud and sure of myself as she is of me. I love her.

One thing this relationship is definitely opening my eyes to is this: I can be more patient than I've ever imagined. Funny, or sad? Dunno. But I think I'm growing increasingly patient in this relationship the more time goes on. Weird ain't it?

We watched "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" - Meh. 6.5/10 - It was entertaining at parts, but definitely not something I would ever watch/read of my own free will. Still, I could've been dragged to a worse movie. So I can't really complain that much. Plus I spent a total of... Six hours? One on One with my girlfriend. I'm not complaining - AT ALL.

Not much more to say. Psyched for universal tomorrow, but that's going to be it's own 'lil headache, but we'll see.

[D] April 7th, 2011

Huh~

First thoughts first.. Jesus fucking cunt nugget. Is it really 2011 already? And are we really a fourth into the year? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm getting old. I really am. FML.

Lemme do a quick rundown of my life upto this point, moreso for my own organization than anything else. Had a birthday celebrated for the first time ever last month. Proceeded to meet an amazing girl and am now dating said girl. Declared my major and minors, I have a pretty good idea of what my future is gonna look like, class wise, for quite a while. Other than that. Herpderp.

So uh. Ricky is pissed at me, and although I feel kinda guilty about... I honestly don't care. I tried to stop it multiple times and he just continued on anyways. If he wants to rage. He's more than welcome to. I don't care. Honestly... If he's not even willing to talk/listen then I'm wiping my hands clean of this bs. It's up to him.

And, to what's going to turn into an going discussion about my girlfriend, Tori. I dunno what to think/say/do half the times. I don't understand what's happening to me but I can't get control it. It sucks. I wish my logic could grab a hold of my thoughts and bash some fucking sense into them. I wish I wasn't so insecure. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I wish I could trust... I wish... Bleh.. This gets continued later.

I'm happy usually though. Just knowing I have someone I can trust to some degree. It's nice. It's entertaining. It's amusing. It sucks that I'm a guy though and guy-urges tend to kick in every so often. Shitsux yo. Does it really? Yes. Also. She says that she will eventually try to distance herself from me, and that it will be the ultimate test. Eventually? Love. You're doing it right now. I hope you notice it. I do. I know said you don't notice it half the times you do it, but you're doing it now. Can't you please wait? Wait till I learn to trust first... Please. I'll wait an eternity for you and deal with all the tests. Just please, don't throw me into the lion's den armed with only my fists. I eagerly await the arrival of summer. Why? Because. If by then you and I aren't at the top of our game. We won't last the summer. We won't love. We really won't.

School is meh. Family sucks. Shit's usual.

[R] The (after)life of the party - Fall Out Boy

So. What's up in 'dis place?

I have a new goal. What is it? Hah. You would like to know wouldn't you? Who am I talking to, you ask? I mean you, of course. The ghost in the corner of the closet, you! Uhuh, I know you're watching in all your splendid pink japanese-irish self. Come out of the closet and join me! It's quite spacious and roomy, and I'm providing the entertainment! So, what's you're name?

Anyways! Back on topic. I think? Probably. The topic was quite ingenious actually. Not unique or anything like that, nonono. I said ingenious, not genius. I'm too silly to be a genius. But I digress, I had an announcement to make! Attention Everyone! Starting today... Where was I going with this? I'm not too sure - Oh that's right! I had made an earth-shattering discovery that will change all future generations of ant-kind! Ant-kind... That's not quite right is it? Regardless, on to the juice bits!

This old, dusty, rotting, piece of shit of a blog has been around for five months now, about. And we can all agree the damn thing's gone the way of an egg left outside in the florida summer. I know right? Think about that. THINK ABOUT IT! Now that I've got that image stuck in your head, we can move on. So because it's gone to waste, not that there was much that could go to waste period, I'll say now that I've found a better and new use for this thing!

A Daily Diary! Wait. That's not new. Fuck. Oh well. Now you know what the new purpose of this is. Not exactly new. But point is. It's meant to be cathartic and help me track something-or-the-other. Does this count? No. Probably not. Entries will be marked with a [D] and the date instead of the usual [R] or [L] or whatever. The other designations will still exist, they should just be seeing a lot less usage. 

So. That's it for now. Scram. Go. Gitouttamahfayce!

[R] Calling All Cars - Senses Fail

The physical remains in the realm of the physical.
The mental lies solely within the mind.
The spiritual exists only in a place we can not reach.
The emotional forever intangible.

Such are the basics under which life operates on. The guiding principle for a life that is in fact a success.
So if we accept that to mean success. Then what does failure mean?

Simple. Failure is when the four corners merge and the borders between them grow diluted. When one's start and the other's end is nowhere to be seen. When all that remains is one giant mess.

Thus, would it be accurate to call my life a failure? I, who fight day and night to corral the individuals into their proper places in an attempt to re-establish, live in such a state of chaos. When it finally seems like all the pieces of the puzzle are about to be put together and once again take their original form, one rogue piece decides to throw it all out of order again. Leaving me helpless as I watch life undo itself before my very eyes, I unable to grasp even the smallest part. 

When the physical penetrates the mental.
When the mental invades the spiritual.
When the spiritual harasses the emotional.
When the emotional causes ill on the physical.
Failure Occurs.

I stare now at a puzzle with one last chance to re-assemble it. And I've been giving an idea of how to solve it this time. But as I set out to work on it, the ethereal hand of despair grasps unto my very existence and threatens death itself.

The physical falls ill.
The mental disintegrates into chaos.
The spiritual grows tainted.
The emotional dissolves into dread.

What then? When utter disarray befalls all aspects and no refuge remains, what awaits?

If only I was as strong as I act. Then maybe this cacophonous symphony would be set straight.

For now, only my masks remain as a source of strength. Hopefully the lies will turn into a source of power. Until then I stumble around once again.

[R] You're My Home - Billy Joel

Lack of updates? A and B: Spring break for half of it, the roller coaster of awesome people for the other half of it.

I dunno. Over spring break I went from feeling awesome to miserable and back a lot, but I think it was because I was being forced to be in close contact with someone that I really just wanted to either get away from altogether, or get /really/ close to in order to just solve all problems. (Jess, 'Duh) But that last weekend at Disney/Universal, I remember saturday night when Jess and I were having a little bout, I realized that my feelings for her were already subsiding. Cue Monday and... Just... Fuck I'll get back to you when I'm not too busy thinking about it xD

Truthfully though. I am happy now. Actually ecstatic. It's such a novel feeling to me that I probably look like a damn awkward mofo. But that's ok. The lulz will subside eventually. I don't know why. I really don't. But I know that for some reason this just feels... right? Incredibly right? I can't tell how this will go in the future. I can't tell how things will eventually play out, but, they will play out how they're supposed to. Not gonna lie the boulder that I saw on the road remains mighty daunting, but, I'm confident we can get past it, and I lie writhing in anticipation at what awaits beyond it's terrifying figure.

It's funny. Minus for that one moment, sunday night, the wrenching despair that I felt so strongly has been dissipating. It started sunday morning at Disney a week and a half ago... And as I slowly regained myself in more concrete terms, it got better. I think it helped, so very much, that the more I came back, the more a certain someone was attracted to me.

The more I accepted myself, the more others accepted me for who I am.

[R] Fireflies - Owl City

And so once again, that which dares trouble my heart and spirit has grasped unto my body, wrecking it as it pleases. Why, why oh why must maladies of the soul be so pervasive in this fragile existence? Is it the very nature of such fragility that makes one easy to break, and the other easy to influence? Or is there something more behind the limits of the mind.

[R] Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel

 Herp. Derp. With a side of Fail and Aids.

Lets go ahead and try to pinpoint the sources of my current depression and see if, at least to some twisted soul out there, it makes sense. Somehow. The question however, is basically, where do I start? I really don't know where to take on this behemoth of a beast, for it has no start and no foreseeable end, other than the absolute end that is. Should I take a chronological approach? Or should I go at it by proxy and move outwards from there?  Why do I want to list them? So at least I can understand myself. And maybe fix them in time. But I doubt it. Anyways, on we go!

 - Forever Alone.jpg: Fairly straight forward to be honest. Though why it exists period will probably show up later or actually...

 - Failure as a human being: Tada! The explanation for the previous one.

 - No reedming qualities, what so ever

 - A constant hassle and menace to the livelihood of all those around me

 - My imagination: Really, it makes life so much more tedious than it needs to be

 - Lovesick: Yup. Not gonna lie.

 - Admitting the bleakness of the future that awaits me: That is, lack of one.

More to come later.

[R] The Recluse - Cursive

(I fucking love that this song decided to play when it did... And surprised it hasn't before)

I love how, in my search to find myself, I've lost what was already there.

/I/ no longer exist.

The future for the person that used to be /me/ no longer exists.

Fuck You All.

[R] What a Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy

I feel betrayed.

Not by others. Not by the world. Not by some fictional pink fairy called god.

But by myself. I feel like without realizing, I've wired up my entire life to a single motion-sensitive line of connected nukes that will blow everything up around me if I as much as breath.

Like a wreck waiting to happen, all I can do is hit the gas and see how far I get... That, or solidify who I am and try to hotwire this damn thing with my own essence.

[M] Fairytale - Sara Bareilles

Dear God - Avenged Sevenfold

I'm not Okay (I promise)

[R] The Phrase That Pays - The Academy Is...

"I'm normal now. I shouldn't have any problems, I can't complain to anyone"

Under those thoughts, I started cutting again tonight.

Why is that although I have "friends" now, I feel more alone than ever before?

[R] Baby Grand - Billy Joel

'Sup

Sometimes I think I'd be better off if my life really just collapsed around me once again. Why? Because after it's collapsed the worrying is gone, the stress dies, and it's just you and your wreck of a life. I've come to the conclusion that it's much harder on the soul to struggle against the weight of the world to maintain some semblance of sanity than it is to just let the world burn. And yet I'm not all too sure about that. The act of actually pulling away your supports is either incredibly difficult, or stupidly easy. It depends on the situation at hand.

It's funny. I stand here in what I've salvaged of my existence and see that nothing that surrounds me remains in even semi decent condition. I seem to have this natural affinity to destroying everything around me at least once before accepting it. The strongest pillars I've ever crafted were mere roadblocks in my path, anhillated only to be painstakingly rebuilt as a shadow of their former selves. It's a dreadful sight, really. There's this one particular object in this framework of my life that once shone beautifully, it's light too blinding to actually recognize what it was. Now it's in ruins. It's base remains, but not much else is still recognizable. I never knew what it was, and something tells me I'll never know it's original shape either.

Around it are all kinds of ruins. Some of them I clearly remember their original shape, some I don't even remember they ever existing, I just see the remains and can't quite even begin to place where it was, when it happened, or what it was. Truly a dreadful sight. Because even without knowing what they were, their materials show great promise. If only they were still in one piece.

The walls of this building are a patchwork of who knows what. Very little remains of the original walls, instead replaced with fitting remains of past mistakes and errors. It's not a proper use for the lessons they hold, but it's the only use one such as me has for them. Superficial and aesthetic purposes, that's really it. Not really worth much more than that anymore.

I can't seem to let go of the remains of the beautiful unknown though. I've been trying to find it's old outline, rebuild it piece by piece like as if it was a million piece jigsaw puzzle, to no avail. Every piece I hold fills my very being with pain, and a longing replaces it when I wrongly place it. I can feel it slipping away with every misstep, but still I try. My hands bleed, my tears have long since ran out, my legs refuse to give up, my eyes grow incapable of staying open, but still I push forward on this mystery. I don't know why I'm trying so hard, but if I look away from it for even a moment, I feel the icy grasp of despair wrench itself unto my existence and tighten it's hold. I don't know if it's the promise of it's former beauty, or simple foolishness that causes this though.

But it's been too many times that I've just let good things remain as they are after I went berserk and let time wither away the evidence. I can't let something else slip through my fingers without a fight. I need to hold my ground and trudge onwards through the depths of what may come. Whatever trials and tribulations may head my way will be worth if it I succeed. And I have to try. I can't pinpoint why. I just know I have to.

And yet running away and just leaving it like any other is always an option. It's the hardest option to resist. It's hard to resist because of my destructive nature. Why? Because in order to give up on it, I'd have to destroy a half dozen other presences in the room. It's like holding a hot dog in front of a fat guy on a treadmill. The temptation is so great that sometimes I feel the greatest struggle is not in rebuilding, but preventing myself from destroying what remains. But it is such a sweet temptation that I often feel too weak to stand up to it. If I were to slip and go on another rampage, nothing would remain except dust on this open plain. I'd be forced to rebuild from the start. Except I wouldn't rebuild this time. I'd let it all stay dead and move on. If nothing remains in the horizon then I'd be able to claim the title lost soul, were I to send it all to hell once again.

I don't know which is harder, holding it up or letting it collapse. I really don't.

[R] Warmness on the Soul - Avenged Sevenfold

I wonder what would happen sometimes. If I were to just disappear without a word.

Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?

If one leaves a cryptic message and disappears, then everyone assumes the worst and human selfishness kicks in and they worry.

But it's a different story if someone just... disappears, from the existence of those around them. If they just cease to be without as much as a word, never to be seen again.

Would they be missed? Would someone as forsaken and forlorn as I even be noticed missing? I've always felt th answer is no. If there's no message, no nothing, just an outright disappearance, nobody would care.

I wonder, would it be mean of me to try it? To see if I can validate a reason for my existence in the eye of others? If I serve no purpose, then what I am doing?

[L] Time to say goodbye - Josh Groban

Dear S,

Bro... Can I run? I know you're tired of listening to me, and I know that if you hear me complaining about something that already pisses you off you'd probably shank me, but I'm lost. I don't want to do man. Seriously? I find myself unable to keep a straight thought for the life of me. I can't act in a consistent manner, I can't even move in such. I know you think I'm a hypocrite for pursuing the choices I do, and that's fine. But I really do think that somewhere in this chaos I find myself neck-deep in, lies the solution to my problems.

But I fear it's already left me. I fear it's too late to get out. And I fear what will happen once I'm fully submerged. I know I've changed a lot, or it might seem such at least, but I really don't think I've changed at all. I can't say no to anyone who asks for my help. I can't say no to anyone who wants to do something, and I can't run away properly. I know you're probably laughing at me right now, but that's seriously how it is. It's not that you guys aren't as important to me, because that's not the case, and I do very much miss talking to all of you on vent... I can't really put it into words why I relentlessly pursue this course, or why I refuse to allow myself to run away...

Actually, I think I know the answer to the last one. I refuse to let myself run away because I want a reason to cry. I run forwards headfirst into battle, already knowing that what lays ahead of me is a cliff. All that will ever lay in front of me is a cliff, and so I run forwards towards it, lying to myself. I could stop, turn around, and run away. But I'd just be running off a different cliff. I decided that for once, I'm not going to confine myself to this island of misery I'm on, and I'm going to see what really lies beyond the cliffs.

To be fair, I just really want someone to stop me and just tell me it'll be ok. That I'll be ok. But that role falls unto very specific individuals, none of which will tell me such a thing. Because they know it's not ok. Because they can't lie to me. Because they inherently know what my ultimate goal is, and know that any other option is an act in futility...

Oh but how I wish someone cared enough to try to stop me. And not online, because I know that a few of you would try your best to stop me. And I love you for it. But we've already established that there's very little replacement for the physical comfort of having someone there. Someone to physically stop you. But that's not my lot is it? These social groups I've made myself a part of, I can see very much through them. I understand now many things you told me once upon a time, and in fact still tell me. About not fitting in, about feeling out of place even among those who wold call themselves your friends. I don't know what to say. I don't think there's anything I can do either... I'm scared.

Also, that one day you told me not to do something stupid, I didn't. I found a way to deal with an issue I did need to deal with, without pulling an all-in like I was planning. Thanks. And I don't know why this is aimed at you, this is barely about you... But you're probably the only person ever who would understand me...

ばかおにいさん

[R] Violent Pornography - System of a Down

Holy, fucking derp.

I realize that some problems within me are going to be around for probably fucking ever. Every night I feel this crippling despair wrench itself unto my very existence and it slowly twists it. There are days where I manage to undo the twisting, and then some, other days it just stays as is. But it all seems for naught because whatever is causing this hell-sent torture, still lurks around awaiting it's prey every night.

I am unable to find any real pleasure in things, because come night time, my mind twists everything into as negative a spin as humanely possible. This process has been going on for years. These past seven weeks I've been attempting my hardest to stop the cycle, reverse, the twisting, and fight it with everything I have.

But my attempts have backfired. The cure turned into the venom.

It feels like drowning in pitch darkness. No clue if it's two feet of water, two inches, or two thousand feet. All you know is that you're drowning, and whenever you finally get to start gaining your balance or see some light, you get pushed. Or you get blinded. It's just a never ending vicious cycle. How I wish they would just leave me be. I want to go one night without feeling like the world's ending.

[R] Attention - The Academy Is...

Its been, oh say, two weeks now? Fun. Where to start? Uh, that is a good question. Let's start in the now and work our way backwards, shall we?

Or not. All attempts at writing something are roughly turning into no more than a summary of events in a reverse-chronological manner with no real explanation or feelings behind it, so it's not going to happen. After all, the point of this blog is to log my feelings and thoughts, not my every little move.

A realization I made the other day was as depressing as it was enlightening, but one that in the long run is probably detrimental to my well being. Once upon a time I believed that the solution to all my problems, the fact that I was an outcast and didn't quite have a place in life would be fixed by being social and finding people to hang out with and establish a physical closeness. Well, its here, and guess what? Fail and aids. It keeps me busy enough often times to prevent the existential bullshit from cropping up as often as it could, but it's still there because the problem is inherently there.

Out of everyone I hang out with, maybe only three or four I really consider to have anything real in common with. People I can maybe begin to call friends. But I know two of them are incredibly wary of my existence and keep me at bay - which quite frankly I don't blame them for, at all. It's kind of a shitty realization though. Realizing that no matter what, one will never really fit in. There may be odd individuals here and there that one might find to be pleasant company, but that's about it. The inherent fact that other than these few, scattered, individuals, nobody will ever really understand or care about entities like myself.

Alongside this revelation, the presence of time became very real once again. The fact that, when time is added to the equation, maybe all of two people will ever be able to tolerate me. The realistic presentation of the absolute futility of all actions kind of makes it hard to function at this point in time. Which really does make me laugh to an extent, because I've fought pretty hard to get to where I am, how I am, the person that I am. And now that I'm starting to make real progress, I'm coming to understand the absolute futility of it all. Counter-productive thoughts, go!

Debating whether or not the best option for me is to run back into my hermit hole, focus on school and my own shenanigans and just let the world fall to pieces around me. The only reason I haven't done it is because those rare moments that are actually fun (All of which relate to cosplaying, anime, or things around those lines, sadly) keep me going. Those few events, regardless of how rare and unlikely they are, just make everything so worthwhile that it adds the counter argument of "It's not the ending that matters, but how you got there" into the mix. It is, however, a very weak argument with very poor backing.

I really do believe I am inherently the problem. Not just my own problem, but the problem of all those around me.

[L] Tonight the World Dies - Avenged Sevenfold

(Yeah, originally it was You Raise me Up - Josh Groban but... yeah no. Just. No.)


Dear [Name],

I think I can start this exclusively by apologizing, again.

I don't know how things have gotten to the point where they are, or why we are where we are, but it looks like we're here nonetheless. To be a hundred percent honest, I did not intend to attempt to integrate back into the group that fast, nor that strongly. It just kind of happened. Had I not run into those two when I did, I would have waited till at least Monday to text anyone for anything. But life's just kinda funny that way I guess. 'Tis only been three days though, dunno how the hell three days seems like at least a week, but it does lol.

Maybe I imagined it, but I love the look you had when you saw me. That priceless "Oh FFS" was both amusing and somewhat depressing, not gonna lie. Went about how I might've expected it to go though. You're not the kind to really by upfront about these kind of things unless you just finally snap. And given previous circumstances it wasn't likely that you'd do that just yet so.

It's... Interesting though. Through sheer luck and random circumstances we've ended up side by side quite a few times, and yet each time we never even look at each other or say a word to each other when we do. It's kind of like there's a wall of unobtanium between us. And there is, in more than one ways, a wall between us. I'm sure I'm not imagining this one at least. If I had to explain it, it'd be like this: There's certain subtleties in your behavior towards me (and some that are quite frankly not-so-subtle, at all) that indicate a... I'd use the word dislike? Towards me. If I had to describe in the simplest way possible, it'd be a frankness in your demeanor that just isn't there towards other people. It's not just honesty it's a kind of cruel, timed, frankness that seems to go towards supporting the unobtanium wall. I don't know if it's meant to make me uncomfortable or not. I don't know if it is in fact a sign that you dislike me. I can't tell to be honest. The reason that I called it you being frank though, because it's something that I don't really see that often. Or maybe I'm imagining shit again. Oh well.

To be honest, I feel like I'm making you uncomfortable, I really do. And at this rate I'm probably just going to be entirely frank with you soon, and ask you straight up. Because quite frankly I don't want to be "that guy" so I'd have little problems gracefully bowing out before it all explodes on my face.

Thank you though, for putting up with me as long as you have. I appreciate it.


ばかたいちょう

[R] Thank you Child - Zakk Wylde

Herpa Derp.

So this is probably going to be a fairly short post. I'm going to try to transition to doing [L] more often even if I just choose a random person and don't name them explicitly. It' easier for me to straighten my thoughts out if I can treat as if I'm trying to talk to a person, because then I can more accurately and properly say what I want to say, instead of the usual shenanigans I pull when just speaking to a generic audience.

The lack of updates hasn't been on purpose, more of just literally no time or too tired. Life's been all kinds of weird, but more on that whenever I get around to it.

ばかたいちょう

[L] In the End - Linkin Park Pt II

(Addendum to the prior one)


Dear Jess,

Hey, it's me again. It appears that two and a half weeks were better for me than I expected. The total month away from all the shenanigans gave me enough time to bring myself back to reality. It was also enough to straighten me out in a variety of ways, for now.

I can't say that I'm fixed for good. I can't say that a few months from now I won't be an emo piece of shit again. But I can say that for now, I've begun to move forward. There seems to be this deadly cycle in my life that I'm going to try to break now. I'm not going to run away, I'm going to tackle them head on with a clear head and eyes on the future. It's funny though, as hellish as this past month has been on my mind, it really was for the best. Never before in my life have I gotten this cool down time. Never before have I had the ability to sit back and just think about wtf is going on before proceeding.

But I've had that opportunity now, and I've no intention of letting it go to waste. I've come to terms that, ok so maybe we're not as close as I'd like, but that's ok. Reality doesn't work over night. It's a gradual process. In more ways than one. A lot of my craziness seems to have settled down by now and I can honestly say: I have little fucking clue what the fuck was going through my god-forsaken head at the time. Which is good. It means that I've made at least some progress for now.

Of course, I'm not saying that there's not massive amounts of derp in my head. Nor am I saying that it's not full of fuck - 'cause it is. Kinda goes with the territory of being intuitive and over-analyzing things to a fault. But at least I hope that I'm capable of handling it now. Words are cheap after all. And with me, when I'm infinitely more fluent with the pen than I am with the sword, they tend to come even cheaper. So I guess now comes the true trials. But I'm not afraid of them. Either I've already broken the cycle, or it's returned back to it's starting point, and although the latter is more likely, regardless of the situation, I should be fine.

Somewhere down the line it seems you were more effective at throwing me into the group than you thought, as currently it seems that I've begun to carve out my own niche in the group quite nicely, but I can't help but feel somehow guilty about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't second guess my "entrance" into the group if you will, but I can't run away. I'm probably being selfish by sticking around. But whether or not you realize it, it was probably one of the biggest things you did to help me, introduce me to the group, and I'm not about to let your effort go to waste. That said, I do feel guilty about it because quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you and I never even reach the level of friends again. There seems to be something maliciously ironic about that which tends to rear it's ugly head now and again. But if I pulled away now I'd be running away from both my problems and the solution to them. So I'm not going to run.

I might come into my own eventually and slowly pull away. Although currently I can't see that, if I do manage to somehow become uberly extroverted (as if xDDDDDDDDDDDDD) then I might slowly transfer myself out of the group for the sake of giving you peace of mind.

If you can't tell already, I think it's somehow changed to whatever it was before, to a more healthy guilt-with-a-purpose, if you will. I still don't think I have the right to talk to you, but I'm going to try to earn it. I remember the promise I made with you, and although you may not, I am going to try to make good on all parts of it... If I can, and you let me. Although derp shit was kinda derpy and to be frank I won't be surprised if you don't ever let me ^_^

I've also started to find... myself? I guess you could say. You said everyone had a purpose on this earth. At the time I honestly believed mines was to cause people naught but pain, and to be quite frank I believed that for years. But. That's not true. I'm not all too sure of what and who I am just yet. But I'll get there eventually. I've started to find positive traits in myself though! I've begun to understand that just maybe I do have redeeming qualities after all. The hate for myself is subsiding. Definitely.

The cry for help (read: cutting) worked and backfired and then worked again and derp. But I do have to admit one thing - there's a limit to the things one can do alone. But I'm not alone. I haven't been for years. I was just too stupid to see that. 'Course, I still have no one to hug (did I mention you're awesome at giving hugs?) but, that's a sidepoint. Though, ffffffff roflmao. But anyways! Point is. I'm coming into my own, finally.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm okay now. Or at least, better than I've ever been. It may be late, and I might be starting far behind from where I should be, but I'm finally beginning to start moving forwards again. I am, as best as I could be, okay. I no longer need an "anchor" to my sanity. At least, not an explicitly external one. I do however want you to remain my friend, if only so I can uphold my end of the promise. But I feel that at least for now, I have no right to ask that. Maybe you disagree, or maybe my (usually) rational mind is right and you do harbor some strong dislike towards me.  This is probably just me giving myself too little credit again, but regardless of how far I've come, I can't shake the feeling that I hurt you tremendously. Maybe you can set me right on that, but I doubt it. If only for that though, I've begun to move forwards.

I'm okay now, and I'm going to get better. In order to begin to do that, I had to reluctantly release the anchor. And now it's been gone. I just hope I can earn your friendship and trust back.

ばか

[R] Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low

(Had this been Closer - Lacuna Coil, I would have seriously retreated into a corner for a few days xD)


Ouch. I've laid off working off as heavily these past few days, and got bored of that so I went for an interestingly lulz routine today. Currently in a good amount of pain, but it'll subside shortly. It's a good pain though, after all, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" or however that bit of military propaganda goes. The Kingdom Hearts series has been highly lawlztastic thus far, so that's been taking up the remainder of my time. Well, that and learning to drive. About damn time amirite?

So, in about five days time I will be back at UT. And to be honest, I'm apprehensive and growing more paranoid by the second. Paranoid is perhaps not the right word for it, but such escapes me at the moment. If I had to choose something else to describe how I feel, it'd be afraid of the unknown. I can't shake this silly little rational judgement that's formed in my head that says once I get back to UT, nothing's going to change from how it was two months ago. Something tells me that everyone will forget I exist, and then I'll disappear from their thoughts and I'll go back to being a shut in. I want to fight it but because part of me feels that I shouldn't have those particular friends anyways, probably because I had to ask and shenanigan my way into being introduced to them (lolwut) and I really don't feel one should "ask" for friends. All of this kind of leads to me think I will go back to being foreveralone.jpg

And it's not like I'm actually alone, but there really is little replacement for physical contact. I know that I'm not alone, but that's really no comfort when I spend weeks or months at a time with no physical contact whatsoever. It's beyond selfish to think this way, I know, but sadly biology/chemistry backs me up here. But we'll see.

I'm really hoping that these conclusions of mine are false, and that my logic has gone screwy again. I really wish such was the case. But, until we're there I won't know. Until we're there I'll probably be scared. And afterwards... Who knows.

Why though? Why can't I shake this all-powerful dread? I find it hard to think about anything or even quite frankly remain awake without feeling this dreadful terror take hold of me and not let go. Why do I let it have such control over me? I've been trying so hard to craft myself. To craft who I am. Who I might be. How I might be happy. How I might escape this rut. But I'm either not trying hard enough or there's something I'm missing. I'm going to be strong when the time comes, I'm going to try, I'm not going to let the darkness take hold of me when it matters. But there's a huge difference between saying it, and actually doing it.

I hope my prediction are wrong. And if they turn out to be right, I hope I'm strong enough to carve the right path for myself.

バカタイチョ

[R] You're Cute When You Scream - Senses Fail

(Hah, Hah, HAH. FUCK. >_> For the record, I don't choose any of these on purpose? It's honestly whatever is playing when I hit the "New Post" button xD)

I mentioned in another post a key phrase: "Shatter the silence." Which quite frankly I think describes and symbolizes so much more than just that one particular situation.

Silence is, effectively, what I believe I have led my whole life shrouded in. I've never really been loud - inwardly I have been, and to two, three people I've been as loud as I want to be, but I still can't be heard, can't be me. The silence exists because I am, by circumstance or nature, introverted. It exists, because I lack something required to be "socially acceptable." It exists, because I am, or was, alone.

I can describe my life as me screaming inside a pitch black and sound-proof room. Screaming and yelling, wanting to be heard, wanting to know I matter, wanting to know that other people exist. And yet up until very recently, this room was all I knew. The Silence was my Truth. It was me.

And then college and shit happened and slowly the silence began to fade. Noises started seeping in, and my voice, out. Soon I realized that the silence was beginning to collapse. But, it wasn't all I expected it to be. It also wasn't an easy transition. It still isn't. I find myself stuck in these changing circumstances and no idea how to react. The silence, as it seems to disappear, in fact is simply changing forms. It used to be an utter silence, utter black out. Now it's simply silence of minds. I hear voices but not much else. I don't know the thoughts of others anymore, I've become concerned with trying to hear other's thoughts, with no success. Something I once thought myself capable of doing, it seems I can't anymore. I can't understand people anymore. I can't... Understand myself. When I relied on my own thoughts to tell me what laid behind the veils, I was content. I understood.

Now I can't quite seem to understand anything, and I am starting to feel the need to shatter the silence yet again. People are hearing me, but I can't hear them. I feel like, the silence needs to be cracked sooner or later. I just don't know how. And from this stems some of my current problems. Having so much to say and not be sure if I will be hear, and more importantly, being unsure if I'm capable of hearing myself. But now that I know what it's like to be heard, it's hard to hold myself back. To settle for self-inflicted silence. There's so much I want to say to so many people, I just don't know how to.

Oh Silence, how thou doth taunt me so.

ばかたいちょ

[R] Straw Dog - Something Corporate

(Hah. Hah. Hah. If my next post has the title I think it will, I will laugh so very hard)

So, I've been wrestling with the idea of editing a couple things here and there on this thing and then putting the link up somewhere on FB for the occasional straggler to stumble in and see what's up with me. As if anyone would check this voluntarily xD Either most people already know most of this shit from me talking to them, or don't give a shit, lawlz. We'll see where that goes, dunno quite yet whether or not it'd be smart, personal wishes aside.

Also, after having destroyed my body yet again, I've begun seriously wondering why the hell I'm doing this shit. I'm not the type of guy to really care about being that buff, nor would I have any use for an excess amount of physical strength. And I passed the point of working out healthily a few weeks back, right now it's anything but. And truthfully, cutting is less dangerous for myself than this shit. I really don't see why I need to subject myself to this shit any longer. Any intrinsic value I may have gotten from working out has long since lost it's shine, probably because the underlying causes that led to me working out no longer hold true.

Also, and rather more importantly than either of the past two points combined, today I found out Jess reads sixbillionsecrets.com? To which I started, quite understandably, to freak out. Why? A couple reasons. The first, and big one, is that I have, in the past month, submitted two secrets to SBS. Both about the... situation, and both were signed with nicknames that would have been rather easily noticeable by anyone who knew me, and even moreso by the person the god damn thing was about. Thankfully, they were never submitted, omg, would I be fucked if they were. Seriously. Actually, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe it would have shattered the silence.

But this wasn't the only reason. It also kind of seemed to... push my opinion of her more towards a certain direction? Not a good or bad one, but more of... Feeling more guilty for being selfish and not helping her out. There was a three minute period in our conversation that night that I vividly remember, what was said, what it might have meant, and whether I should have been more selfish. I feel like, I should try to at least help her. I don't know how, I don't know if I'm in any position to help anyone really, but I dunno. I can't shake this unbelievably strong feeling that there's something important I'm missing, nonetheless.

Maybe it's just that she hates me? That'd be nice.

ばかたいちょ

[R] Emergency - Paramore

So, about a week left before I head back to UT, and over a week and a half since the wall-o-fail.

You know, I've never felt time this much? I mean granted, there's periods in my life where time just basically didn't exist for me, but never have I been so conscious of the flow of time. Never before have I been able to poke so much at my thoughts and actually follow a clear progression over time. Maybe because there's never been any progress to follow? Hah.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared. There are times when my gut instinct is still to run. Part of me still badly wants to say that my best option is to both test people that I have no right to test, and pull myself away. I say that I would be testing them, because in my mind that too would be a form of testing what one would call loyalty? And they would fail, because I know no other human being words like I do, for better of or worse, and I would end up alone again. Sadly, part of me wants to run away so bad. Run away from a group that I have no claim to. Run away from a life that I forced myself into, not knowing whether or not it was for me.

But I can't. I know that if I run, any chance I may ever have at changing will be for naught. So I can't run away. Maybe, over time I can pull myself away from the group and whatever protection it might offer me, but that would be a gradual process. One that wouldn't leave me back where I started. One that wouldn't lead to my 19th being my last... But I can't say I would mind that path. At least it's painless. But that would be me running away again. I can't run away. Not again. For once I need to hold my ground and see what happens. Take my hits head on and see how I fare the storm. At least once in my life, I should be a man.

But it's hard. It's so hard. It's hard for someone that views no inherent value in oneself. It's hard for someone who thinks there is little point to anything in life. Like Xenia and so many others have told me - I need to find an intrinsic form of self-worth. I need to stop relying on others to validate my existence. Oh, how I wish it were that easy. How I wish that I'll succeed at that this time.

How I wish, I wasn't a failure.

ばかたいちょ

[R] This Valentine Ain't No Saint - The Juliana Theory

Warning: Rather graphic and depressing suicide note: http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

So. I read through that and uhm, before I say anything else, there is one line I feel I have to quote?

"People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two"

I think truer words have probably never been spoken? Other than Einstein's well-known comments about stupid people. I really think that this is what it comes down and quite frankly this is why society deems suicide a bad thing. There is no inherent selfless action in Human Beings. We are incapable of selflessness because we just aren't wired up for such. And fighting to keep others alive is just as selfish as killing them. People want to avoid, above all, misfortune and harm to themselves. They are also controlled by society, because such is the nature of the Human animal. And in our society, we're supposed to be feel sadness when others pass, and if they kill themselves it's worse because somehow the blame falls on those closest to the person. What's the first words we hear when someone commits suicide? "Oh if I had known, I would have stopped them." or "If only I could have stopped them!" or etc. It's selfish. Some people do have absolute shitty luck. Some just can't handle life. And others are just plain stupid. But if living is painful to them, then, who the hell is being more selfish by keeping them alive?

Anyways, I really felt the need to say that. Not to say that it reflects my thoughts on my own suicide, but I've talked to people before who told me they might commit suicide and gave me perfectly legit reasons that to be honest, would have led me to the same conclusion as well. And you know what I've said to them? "If you really think that it's the best choice for you, just make sure you have as little regrets as possible." Thats it. Does that make me heartless? Maybe. Does that mean I wouldn't miss them? Hell no. But, if their lives are really that miserable, who am I to say a thing?

Ok, now that I've got that out of the way.

Reading it has had an awkward effect on me. If you're reading this, then you know that I've tried committing suicide myself in the past. And quite frankly, whether or not I intend to it or not, it's an action that always lingers around the back of my mind. It's never left me, nor have I ever given it up. It's just there. It's been there since I was 10, it's not likely to leave.

But, that's not what this is about. Kinda. Reading that note has kind of... startled me? Not because he committed suicide, but because he dealt with what happened to him for as long as he did, and he still pushed himself to be successful. He made something of himself despite all odds. That... deserves some respect. And then he had the courage and willpower to go through with it. To me, that deserves some kind of respect as well. And yet it kinda makes me look at myself and go "He put up with more shit than you do, and was still successful, what the bloody fuck do you have to show for yourself?" The answer is of course, nothing. It kinda pushes me in both directions because it depresses me further, but at the same time makes me want to /do something productive/ that will actually change something or affect even one person in a positive way before I think of doing it again... Dunno. I have no talents, I have no drive, I have no willpower, and I have no interest in anything, which I think is probably my biggest downfall and impediment towards being successful. I'm just not... cut out I guess.

ぜつぼうたいちょ

[R] Barbossa is Hungry - Hans Zimmer

(PotC soundtrack? Hell. Yes.)


So, to do something different and not emo, I wanted to go down the list of games I played in 2010 and rate them  so bleh, here it goes. Every game listed I either played, or replayed, in 2010.

FPS Games:
Call of Duty (MW2 and BO) - 1/10: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Oh my fucking god, they are the same damn game just continously rehashed. PASS.
Bio Shock 2 - 1/10: Lolwut? Thought it'd fail less than the original. Nope.
Bad Company 2 - 3/10: Eh, better than CoD, but not by much. More of the same rehashed game.
L4D2 - 7/10:  An improvement in some ways over it's prequel, and generically more enjoyable. Also, No Mercy in L4D2 made it awesome beyond words.
Borderlands - 6/10: Eh, not that bad a game, and gets points for originality. Gets boring after a while (like all FPS games) but it's not bad really.
Team Fortress 2 - 5/10: Resounding meh really. I've played worse, and at least I can stand it.
F.E.A.R. 2 - 9/10: Zombie sex and impregnation, and tentacle rape... Lolwut? xD
Metro 2033 - 8/10:  A decent game really, got boring and repetitive (again, like all FPS games) but at least it was an interesting game with a lulzy plot.
Fall Out: New Vegas - 2/10: I fell asleep after an hour.

RTS Games:
Dawn of War 2 - FUUUUUUUUUUUCK/10: No game listed prior to this gets as much hate from me as this game does. Fail, on aids. All I really gotta say.
Starcraft 2 - 666/10: >_> Moving on

RPG Games:
Persona 3 FES - 9/10: Awesome music, plot, and mechanics. Woulda gotten a 10 had it not been for mother fucking Tartarus >_>
Persona 4 - 8/10: The music and overall plot and feeling of P3 is better, but this one had better mechanics and lost Tartarus so, doesn't lose that much in points.
Digital Devil Saga - 7/10: Again, the mechanics behind the game and the leveling system really are highly entertaining, the music is awesome and the plot is absolutely fantastic... But it's soooo much of a grindfest
Nocturne - 6/10: Eh, not as good as other SMT games, mediocre across the board but still highly entertaining.
Devil Survivor - 7/10: Enjoyable, interesting plot, and even more interesting gameplay made for an amusing game. Again, fuck the grinding though.
Strange Journey - ???/10: This was a return to SMT's origins in first person dungeon crawlers. It actually was quite fun to play, I enjoyed the plot and the characters, and it really is an overall good game. But FUCK THE GRINDING. Oh my fucking god, the grinding.
Etrian Oddysey - 1/10: Oh. My God. The grinding. The point of this game is to grind. TO FUCKING GRIND. LOLWUT?!
Final Fantasy X - 1/10: Tydus.
Final Fantasy VII - 6/10: Meh, not a bad game, couldn't even get a quarter of the way through it though
Chrono Trigger - 8/10: I finished it, which is saying a lot for JRPGs
Mass Effect 2 - 9/10: Although technically more FPS than it's predecessor, still falls under an RPG I'd say.
Dragon Age (O + A) - 8/10: WoW without the grinding, walking, and with fucking awesome characters and a plot.
Reccetear - 7/10: Not a bad time waster, to be honest.
Harvest Moon: Wind Bazaar - 3/10: I like Harvest moon games? But, vat ees dees sheet? Seriously.
Rune Factory - 7/10: Eh, originally I thought it was a bastardization of HM games, but it was actually quite fun and unique, which is saying something for harvest moon games.
Disgeaea 2 - 6/10: All it really had going for it was it's fucking amazing humor, that's all really.
Kingdom Hearts - 7/10: You know, I finished it? And it really wasn't...
Alpha Protocol - 8/10: I enjoyed it, fuck society >_>

Others:
Assassin's Creed (1 and 2) - 2/10: Oh my... what... a... failure...
Mirror's Edge - 10/10: <333333333333333333333333
Minecraft - Autism/10: >_>
Amnesia - 0/10: You know, horror games aren't supposed to put you to sleep...

たいちょ

[R] Closing Time - Semisonic

Goodbye, 2010.

Before anything else, this is going to be a fucking /huge/ post which will detail more than I can bother summarizing, leave now if you'll get ADD halfway through, roflmao.

K so, where to start with this one hell of a year? I stated multiple times in my last blog that this year was one hell of a roller coaster. From the start right up until the very end, it's been nothing but a constant string of wtf-tastic events. Oddly enough though, this year started and ended with Xenia, so it makes sense to start the story there.

I remember that when 2010 started, Xenia and I had just begun talking once again. I had made up some sort of lulzy excuse to get back in her good graces and was fansubbing for her and it was... amusing. I gotta say, she may be psychotic (<3) but, she sure as hell knows how to keep things interesting. I remember going through various phases when I believed I liked her, and then it always kinda derped out after a week or two of emoing out about it. But, at this particular point in time (January, 2010) I was kinda just braindead, the only things on my vent being my AP classes, vent, and other massive bs that decided to creep it's ugly head back out of the netherworld.

And then school started back up, and it was largely bleh up until around early march? Of course, I say the year was a rollercoaster for a reason, and during this time lots of bs drama occurred on vent which kept me nicely entertained. Also, the AnimeDystopia-BakaWolf garbage happened around this time if memory served right, and that made for an amusing few weeks. Oh yeah, and something that can be summed up cleanly as not fun shit happened at the start of march, yar, that is what that is.

But towards midmarch something started happening I've noticed. The shells that made me into the shyest mother fucker around seemed to start dying, and the next month would be filled with semi-social amusement followed by a whole lot of me being a gigantic fool. I think between the time of April 25th and June 8th, I went through... what three, four crushes? Yeah. I'm over simplyfing things, maybe, but in retrospect thats how things look to be honest, although the blog that curiously spans that exact time frame says it was a pretty big deal for me, but hey, such is life xD Then summer was particularly boring, and vent kept me occupied throughout...

And then came college. And thats all I'm saying about that. Retrospect still won't allow me a clear picture on this past first semester so I'll wait before I pass judgement or even attempt to tackle it all.

But, basically, 2010 has been one hell of a year for me? Rollercoaster doesn't quite even begin to explain it, and doesn't even remotely capture all the nuances of these past 365 days. I remember Vanessa telling me: "Adolescence sucks man, everything feels like a big deal and just... Man it sucks to be you!" a few weeks ago, and quite frankly, I agree with her, but just with what it generically means? Adolescence is one hell of a time in general, I'd assume. And for someone that is seemingly growing up into adolescence at 18, it can be pretty amusingly terrible.

I really badly want to say that a lot of lessons have been learned, but either  I cant, or it's too early for me to say that. Earlier opportunities I had to prove that I had benefited from my experience showed that I had in fact, not. I didn't seem to learn my lessons time and time again, but each time I didn't really consider them such. Looking back though, this year has been nothing but a giant example of "what not to do" so I'm hoping next year is at least slightly better. Or at least, I don't repeat the same mistakes as many times as I did.

Kind of can't help but hope that it gets better, and at least next year I learn to enjoy myself. That's kind of my new years resolution honestly? Be Happy. Thats all. And for someone like me, that's really the hardest thing I could ask of myself, but we'll see.

ばかたいちょ